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Gigi,
I hate the way things turned out between us. We were supposed to be buds for the rest of our lives. I wasn’t expecting to be your best friend forever, I was expecting to be replaced by your new, cooler California friends who you talked to and saw everyday. But I thought we would out last those obstacles.
The day we left you in California was the day we began to grow apart. You gave me your blanket and you hugged me the longest, and when we said goodbye, I stared at your moms car in the rear view mirror until it was a blur. I don’t remember what it looks like now. I don’t remember what you were wearing or what we said. Time is the cruelest of raptors.
A few days after we got back, I called you and you picked up right away. We talked for hours. Nothing had changed and nothing new had happened in my life. A few weeks later all of our mutual friends started behaving like they were your best friend. Like they were the ones who had a piece of their very soul ripped out and moved hundreds of miles apart. You started being their confidant and wouldn’t even share with me. I was okay with that because I knew my secrets were safe with you as well.
A year later everyone surprised me by flying you out here. It was the best day. I was wandering the isles at Barnes and noble, reading the back cover of a book when you came up behind me, picked up a random book and said “I’ve heard this ones good!” We spent the week having sleepovers at Brandi’s house, which should have actually been at mine. Your mom had called mine, and asked if you could stay with us. Of course she said yes, so it took her by surprise when I begged to stay at Brandi’s house. You didn’t even seem concerned when the first time I asked she said no. I asked a few more times until she said yes, but when I got there everyone had things to tell you and you didn’t have much time for me. I was still okay with it because at least you were here. I hung out with your brother most of that first night and he told me how you were having a hard time in school, you felt like an outsider and you spent most of your time locked up in your room. You had a few friends but they were all closer to each other than they were you; they’d known each other since kindergarten and you arrived to their life at the start of senior
year.
You went back home and started college, made new friends and met your new best friend. Mary was fun and spontaneous, and she didn’t have parents that didn’t let her go out. You were inseparable. I was a little hurt about it but I knew this would happen, and I was also getting closer to Margie. I was actually happy for you. For finding your new people. I called you after your first night out with her and you didn’t answer. I texted you and you didn’t answer until a week later.
I was going through a lot of things during this time and I wanted to tell you about them. But you didn’t seem to have time anymore. Everything had changed. You had a new boyfriend and a new best friend. When you came again the following summer, it was much different than the first. You didn’t come to see me, you came to see your boyfriend and had me as a back up. I wouldn’t have minded if you had been upfront about it. I saw you twice that whole week and one of them you insisted on bringing your hungover ass boyfriend on a hike. We hadn’t even made it to the spot when he started saying he was hungry and wanted to go home. Shortly after you started doing the same. We offered to take you back but I guess you could see the disappointment in my face. We got half way through the hike before both you and your boyfriend complained so much that we couldn’t take it and went back.
I saw you next when it was time for you to board your plane and go home. And the only reason I saw you was because your brother didn’t have a ride to the airport. I tried to be happy for you, but I was just sad for myself. Selfish I know.
We talked very few times and very briefly between that summer and the following summer when you made your way to Utah and didn’t even tell me. I confronted you about it and you said you were only going for the weekend and wouldn’t have time. I told you that was fine, but I was done being treated that way. I told you I appreciated you and everything we went through but I was done trying and failing to be a part of your life but you were welcome to mine whenever you wanted. You said it was hard to keep up with me with everything you had going on but that you were sorry.
I eventually got a boyfriend of my own and on our first couple of dates I just kept thinking “I wish I could tell her about this, just like she told me” but I knew if I reached out I would be met with silence. In October I found out your boyfriend slept with another girl. You were heartbroken, and even though I had promised myself that I wouldn’t reach out until you wanted me in your life and proved it, I picked up my phone and called you. You didn’t answer.
I got in the shower, angry at myself for doing that. For giving you that power. Then my phone rang and I saw it was your face lighting up it’s screen and I jumped out of the shower. “Are you okay? Do you need anything?” Those were the first words I said to you. And you sobbed.
For a while we were talking every day again. You still didn’t reach out but you were sad and angry so I kept making excuses. You came in November and we made plans to go out, but when I texted you to ask if you were ready to be picked up you didn’t answer. I called you and you didn’t answer. I started making my way to where you were staying just in case, and when I was half way there you called to tell me you went out with your friends from highschool. I was 45 minutes into an hour and half drive and you couldn’t bother to apologize. Once again I told you I was done being treated this way.
We didn’t speak again for about three years until one day I posted on Instagram about a book series I liked. You swiped up and began to tell me about your favorite books, we talked every once in a while but never about anything other than books. A few weeks ago I saw you and Mary were in Salt Lake, I avoided all of the places you posted about for that weekend and the next incase I bumped into you there.
Now I realize you were not just visiting you had moved here. You had come back and brought your best friend with you. Not only that but all of your friends from high school? They were your roommates. So was Brandi. So you had room in your life for everyone from your old life but me. You made time to talk to and keep up and MOVE with but me.
I can’t even tell you how much that hurt. And the worst part is that you are seemingly, completely oblivious to how much it hurts me. I brought it up to my now husband and he told me the truth: while I’m here caring and allowing my feelings to be hurt, you don’t care. You can’t care because you haven’t thought of me like I’ve thought of you. I truly hope you’re happy, and that your life is everything you want it to be but I can’t keep thinking you’ll come around one day.
Goodbye old friend.
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