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1 month ago · · Deep thoughts ,
I have a huge issue with myself lately, like, my self esteem is really low and I've gotten so insecure and anxious about anything that I just stay at home although I really want to meet with friends and go out, but I just don't want to have the feeling that I'm annoying someone. These last days I had the urge and wanted to ask a colleague if we could go out somewhere and just do anything, but I couldn't do it and bring myself to ask her cause I know i'm not the best at being social and I don't want it to be awkward (I also wouldn't know where to go because I don't go out much and I know nothing nearby)
I just want to be outside and not see my house for some hours in which i feel very trapped because I have literally no one to talk to, my sister doesn't want to go out with me, she prefers to go with some random dudes instead and i don't have friends, only this one colleague from work that I sometimes talk to and get along quite well with..
I always need to have the feeling of control in some cases and going out or asking someone to meet somewhere is not something i can do easily and that's stopping me from being able to just have fun... I also noticed that this feeling leads to me having issues with eating since some time now because i notice that when I control how much I eat, I can also control my weight and this could help me with my self esteem (I know, I also already noticed that this is naive thinking and this is not what's going to solve my issues) .. I'm not stupid and I do know that this can lead to eating disorders but it frustrates me so much I can't put it into words and I'm not able to stop neither..
I feel lonely because I have no one to talk to, but if I do talk to someone, usually push them away without noticing because I'm horrible at socializing...