I Need Advice

Hi, so I’m Trans FTM, and I’ve kept on pushing my mom to let me cut my hair like a guys hair. Every time my mom brings up cutting my hair, I say I want to cut it really short, and start talking about all the benefits of having short hair. But what I realized is me and my mom have very different expectations, for my own hair. It’s so stupid. Im not even allowed to have control on the one thing that lets me express myself. Here’s the thing, I most definitely could pass if I didn’t have this stupid long hair. But no. My mother won’t let me. The best I could agree to with her was slowly cutting my hair shorter and shorter. And I know she’s going to stretch out this period as long as she can, and gush about how pretty and feminine my hair is. As if that is gonna change my mind when it comes to getting my hair cut. And make me grow out of this “Phase”. My mom also brought up images that she had in mind for my hair. I wasn’t even allowed to suggest any hairstyles. All I said was “Eh, not really” to all the hairstyles she had on in mind. And all the ones she thought would be good for me were really feminine and would make it impossible to pass in public. I have images that I was more then willing to show her for inspiration, but she didn’t even think to ask the person who has the hair what they want on there own head. It just made he so Insanely dysphoric. My mother will only ever see me as a girl. I either face the possibility of getting shunned, kicked out, or hated upon, by my own mother. She always said she was accepting of everyone but when her child is not cis and straight she freaks and takes away all access to the internet, as if the internet made me trans and not straight. (I’m AroAce). My mother once was talking about suicide. And the conversation was directed at my brother. It was like “If you ever feel like that you can tell me and I’ll always be with you”. Really? Not even a passing look my way during this conversation. I feel so awful. I can’t even be myself. And if I tell my friends to use my pronouns (he/they), I know at least one of them is going to accidentally to use them in front of my parents, or if I tell them my new name the same thing will happen. My mother is so against me being anything other then straight and cis. And I know she’ll say some bs like “Well what if it’s just a phase?” Or “A lot of people end up returning to their original gender. I just don’t want that to happen to you!”. Or some transphobic bullcrap then say “What? I have lgbtq+ friends I can say it!” I’ve literally never met anyone of these lgbtq+ friends. She thinks she knows what I identify as. I’m most definitely not as open as my brother. I’ve hurt myself on purpose, then when asked I said it was the dog. Just because I don’t tell you everything in my mind doesn’t mean you can assume and guess who I am, and what I identify as. Every time I look in the mirror I want to rip apart of my body and form It into something I can actually look at with wanting to cry and lock everyone out. The worst part is my mom always try’s to influence my choices. I told her I want shorter hair. She showed me girls with long hair. I told her I would be fine with going bald, and it would be easy and YET she only shows me girls with long hair. all she ever wants me to be is this Christian CisHet Girl who loves everyone and loves her family. When all I want to be is a body I feel okay and safe in. Not a girl. A guy. I told her multiple time that I really want short SHORT hair, and yet all she’ll agree to is a couple of inches. A couple of inches doesn’t solve all the dark thoughts it does nothing. All I want is for her to be happy with me. But I’ll never be what she wants. And that’s the part that hurts the most.

I have no idea what to do. I need some advice. Should I just wait till she agrees to let me cut it like a boy? I really don’t know how long I can play the long waiting game. Should I push for shorter hair sooner? Should I tell my friends about the pronouns and new name thing? Or is that to much of a risk to take? I really want to present as masculine as I can, but knowing my parents they’ll correct anyone when I’m trying to pass. I stay up and cry because of my body. Is there anything I can do about my situation. Anything to do about the hair thing? Im really confused and sad, I just want to feel happy in body. But I know that my mother wouldn’t accept who I am. What should I do?