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What would you do if I ran away and left you with the baby? I seriously feel like I need help. But I fucking hate how this world is. I can't get the help that I need and I'm just going insane. I'm so mad at the counselor for always canceling my appointment. It's so discouraging and yet they think i'd still want to reschedule. I fucking hate how there's no support out there whatsoever.... everyone just saying "you got this" "it'll pass" "you're doing great". I'm numb to those words. People actually think those words are encouraging. But they aren't. They mean nothing to me. They're the most fake words I've ever heard.
Happy anniversary...I'm glad I remembered before sending you that message. I know things are tough right now but I truly could never leave you. I'm glad I didn't send this message because I don't want you to believe that you failed as a husband. Even though I'm struggling and really need you to hear my pain and to be there with me in my pain today is really not the day to do that. I hope that you never blame yourself for the pain that I'm going through. I love you so much and want to get the help I need but it's so hard to find that support. In the mean time I'll do my best to take care of myself so that I can give you and our son my love in the healthiest way possible.
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If it didn't leave scars
All eyes on me Be strong, be a good mom But if it didn't leave scars I'd write the pain on my arms If it didn't blister and scab I'd burn the anger to ash...
It is obvious you are suffering. Consider these words as a way through to the daylight.
Others (family members, friends, teachers, etc.) label and judge us starting at an early age. This continues and along the way we accept and adopt descriptions like; ‘ I am ugly, pretty, handsome, rude, strong, weak, sensitive, special, worthless, worthy, popular, determined, indecisive, sad, smart, stupid, scared, cautious, reckless, etc.’ We learn to see ourselves as this defined and limited ego character (a separate self) and our thoughts and actions are in the service of this idea. The ‘separate self’ feels incomplete and imperfect and tries to get what is missing and get rid of problem areas to correct its inadequacies.
From the ‘separate self’ perspective, when the unwanted happens to us or the wanted does not and every time the effort to fix our self fails, we suffer. It comes in the form of agitation, irritation, boredom, disappointment, jealousy, regret, anxiety, depression, fear, loneliness, anger, grief, pain, or some other unwelcomed feeling or sensation.
Each of us is self-aware to an extent but when this knowledge is not clear, our true nature is hidden. A close look reveals that the common element found in every experience examined is my presence - ‘I AM always there’. When I am sad, I AM present there. When I am happy, I AM present there. When I am scared, I AM present there. When I’m in love, I AM present there. When I am angry, I AM present there. I AM the always present AWARENESS that has no size, shape, gender, race, age, weaknesses, needs, or demands. This undefinable unlimited AWARENESS can’t be harmed or diminished by anything and resists nothing.
The dance (the joy) of creation is all of God’s creatures just experiencing each other and surrounding things. For humans, however, even enjoyment from successes is short lived. We spend a lot of our available time wanting or trying to make our current situation different than it is. I finally realize that preferred objects, states of mind, wealth, circumstances, substances, activities, and relationships will not deliver lasting peace, love, or happiness. These feelings are not earned, provided, produced, achieved, or possessed. They are simply aspects of my true nature that radiate from my being and energize my actions when I show up as I AM - undefinable unlimited AWARENESS.
This is my summary of the guidance I got from Rupert Spira on youtube. I keep it close and read often. He has hundreds of short videos regarding life, love, reality, pain, death, depression, peace, love, happiness, etc. It is a way forward.
ReplyYour baby is your driving force but you're a tired mama. I understand.. I truly do. If only you'd be given the break that you ever so needed, that would be great, innit? Don't feel bad if you take breaks. Don't feel bad if you don't fit in to the society's definition of a 'great wife/ mother'. It's alright. Embrace your pain. Take breaks. If you have no one else to talk to, express your feelings here.. Somebody will hear you. I did. So, someone else will too.
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