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I’ve been with my boyfriend for well over a year now, I’m a senior in highshool and he’s a year above me (college). Because of us not having cars, living in different parts of town, and being in different schools, we don’t see each other in real life as much as we’d like to. We’ve known each other for years and I deeply do love him. He’s for sure my biggest support. Yet, I just started school and there’s been something really disturbing me about myself. It kills me just to admit it, but I can’t help but seem to want the attention of other boys. It makes me annoyed because I don’t agree with it but I can’t help but subconsciously feel it. I don’t know how I could irradiate this feeling because my boyfriend absolutely deserves the best person in the world and my emotions aren’t living up to that right now. I don’t give in to this feeling, but it won’t go away. I would gravely appreciate any advice.
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I would say, try to take some time to self-reflect on what needs you have, that currently aren't being fulfilled--- that your desires point to. See what your desire for attention from other boys is about. When you find yourself in mid-desire, listen to what your thoughts are in that moment; write them down if you can, without judgement, no right or wrong, just observing yourself.
Don't try to deny the honest fact that your desire is there. You know what it's not about is a lack of love for your boyfriend--- so it is about something else within.
For example, in this romantic sense, if I find myself feeling happy at someone else's smile, (even though I have who I love deeply), I might be just happy that I'm (in my mind) seen as pretty and special, and I can think well of myself that way. Nothing to do with them! Or, differently, I might just be needing affection, connection, and happy sociability in that moment, like all humans do. Either way, I have to listen to myself and really reflect on what my desires are pointing to inside me. Not shut them out. Because feelings tell us what's going on, but we HAVE to accept that they're pointing to something true, and listen to them without judgement in order know what that true thing is. (Which is never about hurting others we know we love.)
I genuinely hope this helps. I offer it, because reading your dilemma honestly helped me think about my dilemma of not wanting to be disloyal on my own end, in a situation with someone I love in a non-romantic way.
just recognizing what my real feelings are, and that they don't point to a lack of love for my person; they just point to a need for me to be honest with myself about what I now know THEY'RE doing that's hurtful, and not being forthcoming about. That's why I can't be "loyal" in the same way as though they WERE forthcoming. My feelings have been telling me this. DEEPLY. And because of you sharing your situation, it's helped me reflect on my own. It's not about a lack of love on my end either--- but a need for honesty, and sadly... self-preservation by not playing into lies. (It's not a happy situation with this person I love in a non-romantic way.)
All that said, I feel confident in my understanding, and have a little less conflict in my heart too thanks to you. And I don't want to just take *mine* and leave you without help at all in return, if I can help it! I know your situation is different, so I do hope what I could give helps you, and if it doesn't, may the help you need get to you. Best to you.
ReplyThank you so much for the considerate reply. I’m very grateful for your sincerity, wish you the best as well!
ReplyI very much understand how you feel. I have a similar conflict. The only way I can manage is to have someone I trust to hold me accountable. I know it’s so hard to admit flaws and the fear of judgment. However I’ve come to learn that many people have the same type of problems. Also they are accepting of me and he’ll me do the right thing
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