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I blocked you last night, not because I wanted to but because I am a puzzle peice that can't fit into your life. I want to say it's all selfless, that I'm doing it solely for you, for the betterment of your life. That all I care about is your family. But that's not true, well, in part it's true. But the whole truth, I am so scared. Terrified!
I don't find you attractive just because of your looks (though, damn...how do you still look that good after all these years!?) Back in high school, I heard so many amazing things about you. I really wish I had had the guts to just say hi back then...but you were this gorgeous guy who had done modeling (or so I was told) and I...well as my friend so politely told me, people like you were way out of my league. And as much as I hate to admit it, she was right.
Years later I went to see... the new Starwars movie I think? I was with J, J and I had just started dating. We met up with some friends, E some other guys I didn't recognize, and you. You had all been out drinking before the late showing of the movie and had shown up rather tipsy. J introduced us, I said I remembered you, but you couldn't place me. (Which was understandable. I have always been rather good at melting into the background.) The movie was fine, but it was a 3D movie, you kept playing with your 3D glasses and you where just as handsome and funny as I had remembered you. But then the movie ended, we all waved goodbye and I didn't see you again for years. S and J would often reminisce about their high school year and you came up a time or two. They both teased about your fear of spider, your strength when you found out about the tumor...even with all the joking about pranks y'all pulled on each other, they both spoke so fondly of you. S thought very highly of you I think.
So many years passed, the next time I saw you was at S's funeral. That was a shit day. But as I helped K up the walk, back to my truck...there you where. Setting with E and other people I didn't recognize. You guys were setting in the shade talking, laughing and reminiscing about a friend gone too soon. You looked me straight in the eyes and nodded politely as we left. I think that's really when that spark hit me. For the first time that day, I felt calm. It's so very stupid. J had held me as I cried, K and I talked and cried together that day a lot. But for that one moment, I felt ok. Like somehow it was going to be ok, even though it wasn't. It's so stupid I know...I'm pretty sure you and I had yet to speak more than a few sentences to each other, ever. Yet that one nod made such a difference in that moment.
A few months ago I noticed you had liked some of my photos, I didn't think anything of it really. But I started looking through your photos too. You like so many of the same crazy things I do. I started liking your photos back. Reading about the cool places you go with you beautiful family. Your pictures of you hiking the staircase of death LOL. "How does he do it!?" I kept thinking. It's obvious you put time into your kids, do your best to stay healthy despite all the PTSD you must have from being told at such a young age you were going to die. But you made it, and keep making it!
Then, you started chatting with me. And even though I was struggling with my illness that night...it was a great night for me, fun, calm... the more we talk, the more I want to know about you. I want to know who your favorite teacher was, what you dream about at night, what your comfort food is, how many freckles are on your back...what that red beard feel like at the nape of my neck...yeah, that's when I had to check myself and I tried to tell you how stupid I was being. Crushing on a guy whom I hardly know, a married man with beautiful kids. Me a married woman with beautiful kids....and then you told me you felt it to. I couldn't believe it, still struggling to see how someone like you could be at all attracted to me. I look at your pictures with your wife. She is GORGEOUS!!! Her figure is to die for! I know woman who would legit kill for her figure! But you want to get to know me??? Sereously, she is smarter, more attractive and far more interesting then I will ever be! I get the fun of a fantasy... I have a very good imagination...but no world do you enjoy my company more than hers!!! And no matter how I slice it, I can't see a place for me in your life. I keep coming to the same four end scenarios.
1. (Best scenario) We talk, we are each other's little secret that never gets revealed. Eventually the shimmer of newness and fun runs out and we quietly move on with life.
2. (Crap Sanario) I get caught up in my feelings inside this fantasy and I meet up with you...then you will realize that I was so much less then you thought, bursting the bubble. Destroying the escapism of the fantasy and leaving me depressed and you back at square one.
3. (Worst scenario) Somehow your wife and/or my husband find out about this little fantasy we dreamed up, playing teen heartthrobs for each other...completely breaking their trust. At best they stay with us but we will never be able to completely earn back the trust we have broken.
...there's a forth scenario that I can't dismiss. I am feeling this way more and it's all just something for you to pass some time. You might have 10 other girls you flirt with all in fun. And I'm just left ashamed of my emotions, left realizing yet again how stupid I am. I don't want to think for a second that that's true, but it's the most realistic scenario if I'm being honest with myself.
It's supposed to just be a sweet fantasy, but damn it. I didn't sleep at all last night. The pain of my gastroparesis has me trapped awake, overthinking everything. The truth is, I already want more than I should. I want to learn about you, talk for hours about how you grew up, how you made it through high school, all the little ins and outs of you personality. Why, I don't know. I know it's not some stupid pheromone issue, we are never in the same place? So what is it? Why am I so drawn to you? I know you are an amazing person, yes...but why can't I let this go?
I know it's better to just leave this fantasy here. There is no scenario that is worth risking our marriages. I like you. I feel like I fit with you, like a matching pair. But feelings are deceiving. The truth is we can't fit into each others lives, there is no place for me in your world, or you in mine. You want a bit of fun, a playful fantasy that can be tucked away...and I...I don't know what I want from this. It's all too dangerous and hurtful to the people I love the most. It goes against everything I want to be or believe myself to be. So, I blocked you. I imagine you have the power to shrug it off and move on unfazed. If you like it would be a blink of an eye to replace me. That's good. It will take me longer to sort myself out, and that's ok too. I don't want to be a person who breaks her word...I have already let my feelings betray me and my loved ones. It was nice to feel I fit for a week or two, but I have to stop it here and now. Best not to make it worse.
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082522(Th), 3:27am where I am....
I am not comfortable. I don't want to know too much. I don't want to be too involved. I don't want to be too attached. While I know a part of me is curious...
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A friend that must go.
Friend #1, don't act indifferent. Thanks to you, Friend #2 has almost been sued by your ex-girlfriend. And you denied any business in this. I won't keep quiet...
Why block the poor guy? Nobody says you can't remain friends. Put the fantasy away. You might regret blocking him later. If its a marriage breaker I suppose you must do what is best.
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