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hi so i havent written in a while because i thought life was going good and this might be a long one, i guess i just wanted some space to vent, please feel free to give me some advice or enlighten me, anything really.
this year, ive had so many ups and downs and im just struggling to find myself i guess? i feel live ive given so much love to other people like my friends and my family and i dont even know if i can call it love but i keep hoping for some love in return but it just never gets back to me? like i know its unconditional and yes i dont expect anything back but i feel like im always giving and its so draining. i feel like everyone finds comfort in me and i cant find comfort in anyone? ive tried, i opened up to a friend about something that i find uncomfortable (kinda like an insecurity) and they kinda did the thing i was talking about? like idk should if i should be mad or not but i didnt really wanna have the expectation of them doing the specific thing, sure i considered it when telling them but it just kinda led to me being betrayed? anyways thats the start of the down for this year. ive reminded of this thing but then they proceeded to continue? like damn that one hurt lol. anyways i do still talk to this person but i feel like i lost someone without closure and now i just know its not gonna be the same. lesson learned: dont expect anything from anyone.
since then ive been in a stump but i just wanted to write about this one other tendency that i have that i wish i didnt have because it is mentally draining keeping it to myself and frankly i dont really trust anyone to understand but if u want have a read ig. i have this feeling where i dont think i can be loved? or more like i purposely push people away because i dont wanna be? like i do wanna be but i feel like a burden and that it just hurts to be around me and i dont want people to see me like that or be hurt because of what im feeling. like when people ask me whats wrong cause its visible i cant tell them why because i dont wanna ruin their day?? i just feel like they are so happy and bright and i dont wanna ruin that. theyre so excited to tell me things and i dont wanna ruin their excitement by telling them about the things im thinking of. i dont wanna break anyone and i feel like im just suffering on my own hoping that seeing other people happy would be worth it? i feel like part of this is always saying things like "im not looking for this this and this rn" but in reality thats what i really need and im trying to convince myself its okay that i can do this all on my own but sometimes i just get a bit lonely and i cant open up for the sake of the people i actually care about. im so sorry if u read all that um thank you.
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