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we feel too much. and too little. the way i feel when the wind blows around my house and i hear that particular sound. it's eerie, but oddly calming. like when the shell i got sounds like the ocean, and maybe it does have a little bit of the ocean in it. a small piece of home, just like all of us. i can't stop bouncing my leg. but sometimes i find a sense of peace in that anxious rhythm. rhythm's an odd word. no vowels at all. i feel like there's something closing around my throat, and my ears won't stop ringing. there's those moments where i actually feel alive, like I'm living, not existing. and in the end, isn't life just a glimpse of those moments that we desparately grab at, and try to store away? and it's scary to think about. how those moments will never come back. how even the most cherished memories fade, slowly, carefully. there will be more memories, more moments when life feels like a movie. listening to melodrama alone at 1am. calm, chaotic. there's a thousand things i bottle up, a thousand feelings. i feel nothing at all. i feel everything at once. the cold stone bench at the children's park that one day when i was younger. it had rained the day before. the sunsets that i desparately drink in, and the joy of unexpectedly seeing the moon at midday. my leg's still bouncing. l-o-v-e-l-e-s-s generations. laughing in class, and just not being able to stop. how many more of these memories? how many times do i get to experience that again? time just goes on. more leg bounces. more pins saved to my private boards. more posts liked, talked about. more sleepless nights. new year's day was always special to me. the song, though the actual day's probably special to everyone. please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh i could recognise anywhere. the chords just dropping off towards the end. "hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you". the piano. the way it's just peaceful midnights after a long day. "and i will hold on to you." i think I've had these words with me for a while now. I've been having the urge to let them out, but i didn't, couldn't yet. but now i guess once i started, i don't know where to end. it's scattered, messy, but they're my thoughts. it doesn't have to be structured. it just has to be out here, and not just bottles up, building up pressure, waiting to explode in my mind. i don't think I'll explode. from what i know about myself, these 16 years, i think I'd implode. inwards. causing the most damage to myself but never to anyone around me. there's already way too much of that around here. family line hurts to listen to. i think it always might. feelings. my board of quotes in pinterest knows a lot of my feelings. it's scary that it's out there, but also reassuring. and I'm lonely. i could never admit how desparately i want to be loved. im scared that i never will be. I'm scared that i will be, but then I'd screw it up. spend hours crafting a perfect world in daydreams, and realising you'll probably never have that. living for 15 years with the bare minimum social exposure and friendships because of social anxiety, and then slowly realising that not everyone lives like this. making good friends, and realising what you were missing out on all these years. all of this. every one of these feelings. the good, the bad. maybe it's what life is. all those little moments.
end: 2:08 a.m.
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