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When I was younger I never thought I'd see past 16.. but now I'm 23 and still can't believe I'm still here. Back then, I always thought I'd take my own life because it just isn't worth living. I still think about this daily and I honestly don't know why I've stayed for so long. I have this funny thing called "hope". For some reason I hope life will turn around for me, but there still isn't any signs of it. I've been waiting for so long that my "hope" just keeps fading. One day I'm okay, the next.. not so much. And the most painful part of it all is, I can't talk to anybody because they just don't understand. I'm either crazy or just not worth listening to. Nobody has ever taken the time to understand my thoughts and feelings. It hurts, but at this point I feel like it's just a lost cause. So... I push everything I feel aside and help others when they wouldn't do the same for me. For once in my life I'd really love to feel.... worth it. I want someone to do for me as I do for them. Put theirself in my shoes and try to feel what I feel. My ptsd, my depression, my anxieties, my feeling of being hopeless. I'm not going to say that I have the worst life than anyone else, but I do have a very complicated one. My brain works in ways that I don't understand. If I have a bad feeling about something, sooner or later.. something happens. I think about things so deeply that it physically and mentally hurts. I know things that I've never been taught. I observe literally everything. It seems like a blessing and a curse all in one. I've never had a relationship that actually worked out because I was too much for them or they couldn't handle my parents. It's really disappointing. My mindset is just so different than anyone I've ever met and when I try to explain how it is, it's just too much for them to comprehend so it usually just turns into an argument or they just sit quiet and don't say a word. God gave me this gift of reading people and situations that I don't even have to be in to understand. I think so much.. my brain never shuts off. I'm afraid of being abandoned, I'm afraid of sickness, I'm afraid of people leaving because they found someone so much better, I'm afraid of confrontation, I'm extremely afraid of never being good enough, I have a bad habit of thinking about the worst before I think about the best, I'm scared that the world won't accept me for who I am. I always get left in the end.. by friends, relationships.. it's really hard to deal with. My current relationship is one that I really don't want to lose. I'm trying so hard to be the best I possibly can and I just feel like I'm going to fail. I'm on anxiety medication and it works for certain things, but not everything. I've been in panic mode for most of my life and I guess that's something that will be a part of me forever. I used to cut myself every single day and I'm finally to a point where I've only cut a handful of times in a couple years.
I've been told that I gas light.. but in my head I'm just explaining how I feel. Everyone's feelings take priority over mine no matter what the situation is. I'm always left suffering in silence and it's getting to the point where I can't take it anymore. I'm not sure what to do or who to talk to. The only people I have in my life are my parents, my little sister, and my boyfriend.. and they all get mad at me for trying to explain how I feel. And my little sister is too young to understand any of these things. I'm alone. I'm stuck in a place that I can't get out of.
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It will do you good to talk to a therapist but if you are in school talk to the counselor.
Replyits scary how similar we are. . .
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