Too numb

At the end of July, someone very close to me died suddenly. When we were together I felt kind of responsible for them, really protective…they had such a sweet, kind personality, but didn’t stick up for themself enough. Even though their death was unexpected but unavoidable, nothing anyone could have done… I couldn’t help but feel this constant ache, this feeling that I’d failed to protect them from something. They were alone. I hope they weren’t scared. God, I hope they weren’t scared.

I’ve recently found out that one of our other close friends is sick. He needs a risky operation, and he’s looking to me for comfort & to give him the courage to go through with it. He’s always been a bit cattier than our other friend, definitely able to set boundaries and assert himself, but he also relies on me in the same way. He’s very earnest, sensitive, feels everything intensely…I kinda act as a buffer between him and the rest of the world. Keep him grounded. I wouldn’t change anything about him, he’s got this unique vibrant energy…

Since finding out, I’ve tried to keep a brave face around him…but I haven’t slept. I’m completely numb for hours at a time, dissociating, floating with heavy eyes & going through the motions without really feeling or seeing anything. The whole day feels like that fog you get when you just woke up and don’t know what year it is. And then suddenly emotion just tackles & overwhelms me and it feels like I can’t breathe. When I’m alone I just start crying. I haven’t finished grieving our first friend and I’m terrified of losing him too. He misses them as well, he spent more even time with them than I did so it’s gotta hurt. I feel like it’s not really sunk in for him yet - he keeps looking to where our first friend usually was, like he wants to mess with them. They had this weird but really funny dynamic…sometimes he went a little too far, but he never meant it. When things went wrong, I’d comfort them both, tell him off a little if needed, and they’d end up cuddling again.

If I don’t look after him, no one will. We don’t have anyone else, there’s no safety net. When our first friend was around, I loved being the kind of person that they could both rely on. I got confidence from giving them confidence, it’s honestly a pretty big part of who I am. Or was.

Responsibility is heavy, like an anchor. It holds you steady, secure in one place. But that weight doesn’t change with you, and if you hold onto it while the rest of you is eroding, it’ll pull you under.

I can’t tell him how much he means to me. I hope that I show it enough.

I need him to be ok.

It’s selfish.

If something happens to him, I don’t know who I’d be.

I’m not supposed to be the vulnerable one.

Please be ok.