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I'm depressed. I'm depressed after doing nothing all day. I sound like a fucking child but that's how I feel. I feel like I want affection but I don't deserve it because all I do is whine. I can't provide any good reason for people to care about me, and I don't do anything about it. I spend countless hours doing nothing but watch youtube videos and I don't stop. I don't want to stop. I don't want to do anything with other people. I have to go to a concert with my mom today and I just don't want to go. I don't want to deal with anyone else today. I just want to be alone. I want to be left alone. I can't deal with trying to explain why I feel the way I feel to other people now because I don't understand why I feel the way I feel. I also don't understand why I feel a certain way but don't act on that certain way. I just feel too uncomfortable with doing anything that reveals to other people the type of person I am. I don't want to go down a path of trial and error just so I can have people say nice things about me. I don't want to feel like a fool again. I don't want to ... I even feel stupid for writing this. Cause all I want is people to baby me like a fucking child. But I don't know what else to do. Theres nothing I can give back. There's nothing I want to give back. I don't want to do anything, I just need things to happen to me. I just need things, but I don't want to go through the stress of doing things of getting them. I want to find purpose in my life, I don't gain anything out of being told to just let life take me wherever. It's taking me nowhere, and I have no idea what to do now. Sometimes I just want to run and escape from the rest of the people who know me, and be by myself and do things and no one ever knowing about. I want to live in full privacy and I want good thigns to happen. I don't nkow .. I just want this to make sense but it doesn't. NOthing makes sense anymore. Nothing feels right anymore. I hate where I am in my life, I have a job I probably should enjoy but I don't, a home I should probably take care of more but I don't, friends and family I probably ... I just don't want to be around any of my friends and family anymore. I don't feel comfortable around anyone anymore. I feel like I do things every single day that if anyone ever found out about it would just put me down about it. I would enjoy my life even less if people knew the type of person I actually am. I just feel like I want to kill myself because going through the stress isn't worth it anymore. Doing anything just to relieve stress makes me feel like a horrible person, from rejecting offers of hanging out with others to killing myself.
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I'm sorry you feel this way. Life is difficult but we have just 1 to try and enjoy. You need to be honest with someone around you, even just a doctor. We all need support. I feel like something happened that's changed you and your perspective and this matters. People can be tricky and sometimes be more upsetting than we/they intend to be but they also mostly are trying to be helpful in the ways they know how. ❤️
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