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How do I tell my mom she isn't making my gender identity feel valid, without sounding rude?
1 year ago · 5 · mom, +5
382
Okay so basically, I've told my mom many times that I identify as nonbinary, and would like to use they/them pronouns. And last night, I talked to her about wanting to go by a different name—one that's more gender-neutral.
She seemed to be caught off guard, because she thought we were still doing a "pronoun trial run" where I tested out they/them pronouns for a couple weeks. But the thing is, she keeps using she/her pronouns for me, and calling me her daughter. Not once have I heard her use my preferred pronouns. Now, I do understand that this is a big change for her, but I've talked about it with her at least 5 times within the past month.
I feel like using they/them pronouns isn't enough. I'm very insecure about my feminine body shape, and my body has been developing more quickly within the past few weeks. I want to go by a different name that isn't as feminine, so I can feel happier and more confident with myself. Using my birth name doesn't help me feel like a valid person. Having all of these feminine traits makes me feel as if I'm living a lie, and it feels like I'm being forced to be someone I'm not. I personally think it'd really help my self esteem and mental health if I could go by the name I want to.
I'd really appreciate some advice on how I could politely tell her my thoughts, without sounding ungrateful for her willingness to try and support me. Could anyone help me out, please?
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Your mother has used the pronouns she knows all of her life so it will be hard for her to change. As for your name change she will have to get used to that idea too. She might think that you are just going through a phase and will return to the child she once knew so she could see that doing all of these changes as a waste of time.
ReplyYou of course realize that your mother does not exist to validate your gender beliefs. Her job was to make sure you made it to 18 with some semblance of social norms and manners, good hygiene, and a decent education.
ReplyIf you feel self conscious and insecure about your femininity, you need to deal with it. Don't run away from it and suddenly want to switch your gender identity. What do you expect her to refer to you as, other than her daughter? You're being over the top and need to recognise that 1 month doesn't show true commitment or belief in anything. I'd strongly encourage you to hit pause and analyse what's going on and why you're feeling this way.
ReplySome of these comments seem to suggest that being nonbinary isn’t actually valid. So I would like to definitively state that it is. Genders that don’t fit strictly into male/female have existed all throughout history through many different cultures, and you’re not too young to know what you want to be called, either. I don’t have any advice for you regarding your mom, but I hope she comes around eventually. 💛💜
ReplyHello. I'm a fellow nonbinary person who uses they/she/he pronouns, with a preference for they/them. I can semi-relate, except I never had a trial run with my mom and she completely rejected my identity by saying "you're my daughter no matter what", which still hurts to think about. I use she/her as well as I have grown comfortable with my femininity, but I'm still upset at her comment. I've given up on my parents being able to understand, but I am blessed with understanding siblings and friends.
You know yourself better than your mom does, and I think you have to let her know that gently. Tell her that while you appreciate that she at least heard your trial run idea, you've come to this conclusion and have discovered who you are, and are happier as yourself like this. Tell her your insecurities with being female (like physical and social dysphorias if you're comfortable with doing that) and how fitting your chosen name feels over your dead one. Inform her that she is hurting you over her indifference toward your decision to pick your name, pronouns, and your authentic identity. Then, tell her that you'd greatly appreciate it if she could take the 'trial run' idea more seriously because that'd recognize you as who you truly are; her child.
She may need a while to understand your comments fully. Unfortunately, we still live in a very cisnormative society, and nonbinary people are not taken as seriously just yet. I still wish you and your mom good luck, and for her to fully acknowledge your identity. Much love from a fellow nonbinary person. <3
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