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I'm not entirely sure what's going on with me. I have so many things I want to talk about as I'm writing this, but I feel I won't convey how I feel or what I'm experiencing. I've been in some sort of weird cycle lately with everything going on. I don't really know how to put it into words, so I guess my best option is to explain a situation that shows what I'm struggling with. Yesterday, before I was about to go to a football game, my parents decided to get on my case about my mess around the house. The thing that has stuck with me from the argument isn't necessarily what we fought over, but the emotions I felt during it. I felt such intense and uncontrollable rage and anguish that I literally didn't know what to do. This isn't uncommon for me, as I've struggled with very fierce anger and sadness since I was a kid. I have learned how to control and manage it, but what's recently been confusing me is the pure lack of emotion I feel. I have such intense spurts of emotion around once or twice a month - then the rest of the time I'm so numb that I really couldn't care less about the things I might have cried about during one of those rushes of emotions. During this recent fight with my parents, I remember thinking to myself how I couldn't continue my life the way it is on my own anymore - however right now I feel so empty and emotionless that I don't feel like I need help at all anymore. Sometimes, when I attempt to write about this new part of my life, I feel like I'm somehow convincing myself that I have problems just so I have something that makes me interesting. I want to know if there is something actually wrong with me. I obsess over my physical appearance to the point that it consumes my thoughts for at least an hour or two per day, and there are still moments when I starve myself or I can't seem to stop eating. A lot of my friends are struggling with mental health right now as well, and I have been the designated therapist friend for as long as I can remember. I've tried to support my guy best friend out of his cocaine and weed addiction the best I could, whether that means staying up all night with him for weeks on end to make sure he doesn't overdose or texting his parents once he relapsed so he could get the support he needs. Just last night, after my second-ever homecoming dance, I stayed up trying to convince my friend not to overdose on pills because she feels like she ruins everyone she ever loves. Compared to their problems, I feel like mine aren't something that justifies a mental illness. When I try to confide in most of my friends, I feel like they don't actually believe that I'm struggling. Sometimes I wish people would take care of me like how I take care of everyone. I just can't shake the feeling that I get when I look around at some of my friends - it's almost like I'm not actually living.
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Take care of your self first before others.
ReplyYou shouldn't be arguing with your parents about any mess you leave around. You should clean it up and never leave a mess again. You shouldn't talk back to your parents, just obey them.
You are being used and taken advantage of by these sick friends you have. They obviously don't show care towards you so get away from them and make friends with healthy people instead. You will feel better. Look after yourself before you become as screwed up as they are.
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