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Burnout
While I can normally feel it coming, it’s something that I try to put off for as long as possible. IT's the day when you start to wake up every morning dreading the same activity, the one you used to love. The one that used to bring you unexplainable joy. For me it just so happened that it was the sport I had done since I could remember. It was the sport I loved to talk about and felt like I could place my trust in. I was wrong. People say that you need to have that “fire” to be good at a sport. You need to be motivated. You need to have a drive. But what happens when that fire burns out? Coaches tell me all the time that when you get tired, the first thing that goes is your touch. Well, my touch has been gone for weeks. No wait, months. My touch has been gone for months.
They tell me I need to practice more and that I'm not putting in the work. But do they know how draining the 3.5 hour practices were? How I went home and practiced even more because the coaches made me feel like I wasn’t good enough? How unfair it was to hold me, a freshman, to the same standards as a senior? No, they didn’t. No one did. They saw the face that I displayed which told everyone this was my favorite thing and the mistakes I made don't bother me. They didn’t see me silently crying in my room at night, trying to hold back the tears during the game, and wanting to rip my hair out because of how bad I was at this dumb sport. All they saw was the happy girl who loved it, or so they thought.
They told me to get fit, I was fit. They told me to be harder on myself, trust me, I was. They told me to fix my shot, oh I tried, man did I try. They told me I wasn’t good enough, believe me, I knew. So why was everyone getting better but me? Why did the time I spent analyzing how others play and trying to improve not do anything?
When I told my parents they said it was just a phase and that I would get through it. High School would be so much better, they said. It would bring the fire back. And for a moment, it did. When the process started again for the 5th time I finally figured out this isn’t something I can do. It wasn't right for me to have mental breakdowns at least once a week over it. I wasn’t supposed to dread it, hate it, fear it, or do anything else besides love it. Getting an injury and having to sit out shouldn’t be a good thing. When the people who got pulled up to my team began to pass me mentally and skill wise, I couldn’t handle it. I can’t handle it. But does anyone know that? No. ITs okay though, because I have only one more week then I get a couple weeks off. It’s okay though, because I’ll get another break this time next year. No really, I promise, it’s okay. I know I can handle it. Only three more years. I just need to keep the flame lit until then, even if it’s just an ember.
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