One year left. Before the darkness consume me.

I wished the Pandemic lockdown didn't happen. I had plans and have a career to help people who are ill and in dire need of physical repairs. I wished all my friends and family to honest with me. Instead of abandoning me. The lockdown isolation has altered my mental state. I lost interest in my future career and college. I was optimistic to save people's lives. But, after seeing firsthand experience and seeing how people treat each other during the crisis. In addition, other people denied that the crisis is a hoax or just a common illness. Also, during my academic studies. Online classes were worst during the first years. I could not study in a cramped apartment with a shared family. The worst part was all my former crushes and potential partners for a future relationship with me. Got married and/or got pregnant too early by exes, and decided to come back to me with problems. Even though, it has been two years the emotional pain is still there. After the lockdown, my extended family and friends either abandon me or decided not to talk to me. All I have left are my siblings and my mother. Little do they know that I am planning to end it all, go somewhere to cause disarray and chaos, or cease to exist to myself. I know they try their best to keep me happy. But, sometimes I need more than family love. I need romantic love from a partner that cares for me and understand me. Then, I do the same. However, at present time, it is difficult to find one. Due to high standards set by toxic social media, magazines, hypocritical celebrities, radical social movements, and materialization by corporations. I am sad to say this. "If the person comes in time for my true love or something changes before 2024" I might go back to my dark and unhealthy ways. The only things I was good at during my dark days during my former career. The feedback from my former associations and bosses said I was proficient at my position. It was because I was alone, loveless, and show no care during that time. But, I've changed because received help from the therapist and the woman who save me. But, I might go back?