death of feelings

i talked back rudely with my parents today. i feel pathetic, i shouldnt have done that. but i said what came on my mind. i know i couldnt be a good daughter. my parents fight a lot on petty things and say things which they shouldnt. i imagine why they were even married. i have a younger brother who is 14. i was very young when i first saw my parents fighting terribly. i was quite because i was scared. my baby brother saw that but he didnt said anything because he knew nothing. i am grateful to my parents who have given me everything and i feel absolutely shameful in talking back to my father like that. he is the best dad one could have but i put up my point like that. i shouldnt have done that. i should have died right at the moment when i talked back like that. my parents dont understand this thing that all their terrible word for each other are making a bad impact on my brother. my parents feel that fight is common among every husband wife. fine, i agree with it. but do you realize what my brother is developing into? he becoming a person he shouldnt be. this is my childhood trauma. i am afraid to go to hostel, these things have made me inferior. this is the reason i am afraid to talk to my parents because their fights have brainwashed me with this thought that whatever i say they might fight upon my words. i am scared and lonely in this world. i only have my oppa with me. but i never met them. i wish i had someone by my side, maybe an elder brother or sister. i really wish i had.