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I keep going deeper and deeper into debt. this is my first semester as a senior in college but I accumulated a bout 40K of debt most of which I have been paying because it is private loans, it is very stressful having to pay $400 every month on top of rent and food, I think I made a lot of bad decisions that led to this, my GPA dropped from 3.8 to 3.4 because I failed two classes last semester spending more time trying to find more loans and stressing about money rather than studying, and I think I am on the verge of getting kicked out of the university because I am retaking one if the classes that only can be taken twice and my grade isn't good at all, if this happen, everything I have been building will crash on my head, all that debt will drive me to do stuff that I can't imagine doing, on top of that, I have an Ex that I still talk to, she cheated on me with her Ex, because she wasn't over him when she started dating me, I forgave her because she cried her eyes out and didn't leave her at first because I thought she only did it once, and she keep saying I am the only good guy in her life and without me she would have never ever thought that men are good, her Ex treated her like shit, her father treated her like shit, I think all of family treats her like shit, that's why I thought I can be there for her and change her, so after she confessed she did it, I forgave her, and told her we can work things through , that made her "love me" even more, and I say love in quotes because I don't think she knows what love is since everyone in her life treats her like shit and she still cares about them and do what they want her to do, but when I ask her to do something it is very hard for her to do it, or she says she tries to do it but it is hard for her to change overnight, so my tasks are very hard for her, my issue is I ask her to do stuff that helps her become a better person, like reduce the amount of weed she smokes to the point I visit her and she doesn't answer the door because she is high as fuck.
okay so what made me break up with her, is that after I forgave her she said she can't promise that she can be do it again, I was flabbergasted when she said that, and I gave her another chance, the next day I called her and she said she is sorry and promised she will never do it again and that she will work hard with me to solve the issue, about 10 months later, I helped her move out to a new apartment away from her abusive father, she moved out with her sister, her sister has mental problems and collects SSI so she can support her with rent, she also always been there for her sister and she took care of her since she was a baby so my EX is like her sisters mothers, anyway, after I helped them move in and I was the only guy doing that, because guess what I am the only good guy she ever met so no guys were their to help her, I even bought her a couch, mind you part of my debt is because I buy her a lot of stuff, she even asked me to buy her a promise ring 5 months after the incident in order to make her more confident in the relationship and help her be more comfortable. after other 5 month of us rebuilding what she broke, something else happened that made me cry again, she is the second person ever to make me cry, and the first girl ever to make me do so.
all this time I always wanted her to tell me everything that comes to her mind since she cheated, I told her to be as much honest as possible because when she cheated she didn't tell me until 1 month and half after she did it, so I wanted her to tell me everything because the reason I was mad mostly is because all this time I knew something was wrong and she wasn't telling me, so I asked he to be honest and since I did not judge her when she told me she cheated and I did not use it against her in any way that makes her fell bad about herself, and in return the most important thing I told her I want is her to be bluntly honest with me, I always liked honest people because the first person who hurt me was someone I trusted so much and they lied in front of my face while they knew they were lying just to get me in trouble and so they can get out of it.
so what she did?
she cheated again?
even worse?
all this time after I spent thousands of dollars on her to help her forget about what happened, she admitted that after I helped her move out to her house three month after the incident, that night she asked me to come over because she was horny, I had school, work, and I live with my sister who doesn't like me to date anyone because she is afraid I would leave her alone, I know another crazy female I have to attend to her needs and fucking neglect mine. anyway that night I couldn't come over, so what she would do, she called her fucking Ex so she can do some fucking with him in his fucking car in the fucking parking lot next to her apartment,........
she tells me that after she cried again,.........................I am shaking while writing this............
what makes this even worse, is that she told her sister about the second time before she tells me, and her sister (who is a lesbian if that matters) also says I am the best guy she ever met, her sister told her she was a bad person for it and lost some respect towards her as she claims, but her sister was there to support her of course, I on the the other hand did not want to tell anyone about the first time so I wouldn't ruin her reputation, and after she told me after 7 month that she did it a second time, I wanted to through up, my stomach felt like a fucking roller-coaster, I felt like I was a used rag, I felt like being a nice person was stupid, this person that I did all this shit for, made me fucking go in indescribable feeling, she says she did it because she wasn't over him, because she was stupid, she said it had nothing to do with me and she was afraid to tell me because she thought I would break up with her on spot, what happened to being honest rule? she doesn't fucking know, she said she was stupid back then, and start saying she was different now, and that she will do whatever it takes to make it up for me.
looking back at that conversation we were in bed, after we have slept with each others, if I can go back to that moment I would have ended my life back then in front of her, but not I decided to FORGIVE HER AGAIN LIKE A STUPID IDOIT, I even gave her a hug to make her less sad, I drove home that day feeling so disgusted that I forgot who I was, or what I was even doing with my life, I cried for the first time in 10 months, and I kept in contact with her because I am stupid.
I still talk to her and sometimes hangout with her like a fucking stupid bitch, because every time I try to tell her I can't do this she cries and go into a depressive mode, she only stopped smoking weed after she told me the second time, and she always claim she is a better person and that I should be with her.
and I am her now on the verge of losing my college progress and going homeless, and I am still helping others like an idiot, I still feel obligated to be a nice person to everyone around me, I think it is the last thing I have before I fucking die doing it, I think I will kill myself indirectly by being too nice to others rather than being nice to myself.
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