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I know it sounds stupid but please take the time to read this and let me explain...
I think I have attachment issues or some kind of attraction for unavailable people as a defense mechanism and it is showing really clearly lately..
Little backstory:
Last year I had a crush on a co worker that was not interested in me at all. I was really into him and it took some time to realize this is going nowhere so i stopped with this crush and just avoided him (which worked to get over him).
Later my friend who is also my Co worker (and was also friends with my crush at that time) confessed to me that he liked me, I rejected him and told him I just wanted to be friends with him because I liked someone else, but after that I cut the contact as much as possible outside of work and avoided him as well...
I know this is not the right thing to do and is quite cruel because he is a really nice guy but I don't know (and never learned) how to deal with people that showed genuine interest in me, since it does not happen very often.
Please keep in mind this all happened last year and over the course of this year...
Then some weeks ago, I was on vacations outside of where I live and had like a mind clearing moment somehow, because I had the urge to contact my friend and try to be friends with him again because I felt bad just cutting him out of my life without him doing something bad (I also had enough time to clear my mind with that crush) and thought to try maybe to get close with my friend again because I always thought I could trust him.
I currently have good contact to him again and we talk at work and privately again as well normally. But the thing is, when I notice that he sometimes gets distant with me for whatever reason, that I have the urge to talk to him more...I don't like him in a romantic way, but I do would like to meet him again since it's been some time that we saw each other due to home office at work.
I feel like my mind is not letting me get close to the correct people in my life because I think that no one can like me in a genuine way so I always avoid them because that is a mechanism I always use to protect myself and I keep chasing the wrong people because I'm used to being rejected so it always proves that I'm not lovable...
I don't know if this actually makes sense to someone reading this, but I really hate it. I have a bit of knowledge on psychology and I know that this is not the right way, because it hurts me seeing that for example my sister is capable of a relationship and she is doing so well but it is so hard for me..
Any advice?
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Start evaluating things using your mind not your feelings but dont deny your intuition, draw the line between your defense mechanism and actual intuition to stay away from some people and try to see your emotions as a third person , go on dates but be honest with people but dont let anyone gaslight you , and take it step by step baby steps and try to reflect and communicate as much as possible, talk to someone you trust , if u can afford it therapy can be a good choice , and dont seek a relationship or stress about it work on yourself and be open to opportunities, just go for it and be self aware all the time , eventually it'll get more natural and easier
You are lovable , take your time to trust people , be cautious but reasonable, good luck <3
ReplyYou don’t think people should like you because you don’t seem to like you. You need to make peace with yourself. Work on the aspects of your life, character, and personality that you find troublesome. Take care of yourself like you would care for a good friend. Forget dating until you do this. You are seeking people that reinforce your negative beliefs about yourself and it will lead you don’t a toxic path in life if you don’t heal first.
ReplyI kinda do this, too. The other commentor is right, but I am going to expand.
If you do not already know, I strongly suggest you figure out why you are doing this first. Knowledge and understanding yourself is powerful. It's something no one can take away from you. Knowing yourself will help you from being manipulated by someone. And will also keep you from manipulating yourself. Be self aware, as the other commenter said.
Don't be like me. I barreled over my issues when I was young without resolving them. I knew better than what I was taught before I was on my own. I understood the reasons why I was taught that way and why it was wrong. As strange as it sounds, they thought teaching me this would protect me. They love me. They don't know how to love me. They actually said they would be the only ones who would ever love me. Their love is full of too much fear.
But instead of accepting that it did affect me and allowing myself to heal the right way, I became angry. I thought I knew better. My goal was to prove them wrong. That they didn't have to be scared for me. I wound up doing the right things the wrong way. It's just as bad, maybe worse because I was manipulating myself. Forcing myself into something I wasn't ready for. I just wanted to prove them wrong. I did, but there was a price to it that I wasn't aware of at the time.
While you are gaining your self confidence and self awareness, I strongly suggest staying away from romantic relationships.
Like the other responder said, take baby steps. Don't force yourself. Think of it like when you were learning to ride a bike for the first time. You didn't know what you were doing, but you kept doing it until you became comfortable and confident. You ride that bike for those first times alone. So, be you first. Be alone and be comfortable alone. Once you gain that skill, then be with someone. Get that double seater and see if the two of you can figure out how to ride the same bike together.
And no comparing yourself with others! It's hard not to, but if you are comparing yourself to others, it means you are competing with them. It is a definite earmark that you are not ready for a romantic relationship. Love is not a competition. Love is not about who is better or who is worse. Love accepts.
Good luck!
ReplyAll of this makes perfect sense. Nobody likes being rejected but it sounds like you have a pretty good understanding of your problems right now. I would try my best to avoid relationships in the workplace because if it goes bad there's no way to avoid that person. It sounds like you're doing good with your friend - I think you crave a relationship because you don't like being alone. It's perfectly understandable and by no means am I judging you but don't reach so hard. Every now and then focus on yourself instead of the person in front of you if your friend is being distant he probably wants some space or just has nothing to talk about. Don't take his silence as a personal offense. Relationships take time so don't force his love. And give yourself a chance if someone likes something about you don't cut them out you're worth the attention.
ReplyFor some, the expression "everybody wants what they can't have" is a true reflection of their choices; for others, they learn from past mistakes to recognize addiction to chasing the unachievable, and pull themselves back. To make this worse, those who are addicted to the chase often reject what's easily within their reach. In my experience, only time teaches us to distinguish between what we can't have and appreciate what is within our reach. Best of luck.
Courtesy notice: the following includes a reference to a book that contains writings over 2000 years old which are mostly parables about human nature, both vile human nature as well as moral human nature, parables that are meant to teach us to learn and grow, including the teachings of Christ Jesus. No religion required, and better yet: no public displays of devotion required, although the former and latter are admirable if practiced freely out of one's own free will and without the threat of being beheaded. Some bullies will label this "trolling", so "change the channel" now if of no interest to you.
1 Thessalonians 5:11
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
Mark 12:28-31
And Christ Jesus said the 2 greatest commandments are:
Love God first and foremost.
Love your fellow-being as you love yourself.
From following or not following these, all good or evil cascades, respectively.
Reply