10/21/22 11:43pm

I have a lot of thoughts clouding my judgment. My happiness. My passion. The more I become hardworking, the more worries I face. I wish to be free from the shackles of such a mindset. I wish to be free from my own self-destruction. I want to compare myself less. Comparison is the thief of joy. I am too worrisome. I am too much of a perfectionist. I think of one path as the only destined path I must cross and if I don’t, my whole world is falling apart. I want to be confident, in the fact, that what ever decisions and paths I take I will be fine. I’m too scared. I’m scared of not healing from my family trauma. I’m scared of not falling in love and scared that my present trauma will drive someone away. I’m scared I will be too narcissistic to drive away the ones that care about me, the ones that help me navigate life, and the one I will love forever. I’m scared of not providing and attaining the life I intend to have. If the life I intend to have is even worth it. Sometimes I think the life I dream and want is what others would want for themselves. I don’t know if a single thought in my head is mine. I don’t know myself anymore as I continue to navigate deeper into this complex world. Something I never truly wanted to come to fruition is the corruption of my inner child. The more I think of ways to protect my inner child. To protect myself from the world, I disappoint my inner child further as I go. Before, I wanted to make my parents, my family, my mentors, my friends, everybody proud but now I just want my precious inner child to be proud of the man I have become. My inner child that I hold so dear. An innocence I want to protect. I have become my own vision of someone I dislike. Who have I become? Is it all at the cost of destroying my inner peace? It’s become so cold and so dark. I wish to see the light once more. I wish to be my true self. I wish to be at my innocence once more. I am tired. Relinquish me from this pain. I’ve garnered such defense mechanisms. I’ve devised such plans. My reality has become false. I’ve forgot to see what is present. I’ve forgotten what is True and what is Good. I want things in order. I want things to be. I want things to be free. I want things to be structured. I need help finding that balance. I need to restructure. I need to open up. I need to feel less caged in. I want to just be.