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I think soon I will trying killing myself again
5 months ago · 3 · Stress, +9 · Explicit
Today I heard my step father yelling at my mother on the phone that it's her fault that I am like this because She raised me even tho He was my step father since I was 4 years old, I am depressed and anxious to the point I stopped going to school for a year and since I'm not over 18 yet it's a problem because we can get a fine, but instead of taking me to therapy they just keep yelling at me, and I just want to die so much, like you know how some people after thier first suicide attempt don't want to kill themselves anymore yeah that didn't happend to me after my first attempt was not succesfull I wanted to kill myself even more, and I don't know what to do at this point I tried going back to school but I can't go there everyday because of strong panic and anxiety attack that I'm getting while going there that are worst everyday I try going to school and I was able to go there for like 2 or 3 weeks but my parents just keep yelling at me that I should be there everyday, and last time that I tried to go to therapy women that was ny therapist told me that everything that happend to me is all my falut even that my school told me that they wont make me have individual lessons which I should have since it's writen in my paper work guess what apparently it was my falut too, I didn't pass my classes last year and now I just feel fucking worthless, nothing that I do matters because I'm not going to school everyday even today I stayed home because my mother was feeling sick because she have heart problems and didn't took her medicine and was at hospital yesterday and I wanted to help her since she didn't stayed in hospital even tho she should and I just got yelled at again (I stayed to help her because my step father is in a diffrent country for work). I knew that they never wanted me because my mother told me when I was 13 that before I was born they wanted to abort me and that neighter my father or my mother wanted me but my step father told my mother that it's better if she gave birth to me since she told him that she wanted another child (since my step father was a friend of my mother before my mother took a divorce with my father), and you know what now no one want to take falut for my trauma that they give me because my father were abusing my mother and I had to look at it while I was a kid or because when I was idk 7 years old my mother kept telling me that she wanted to die and kept trauma dumping me or because when I was 11 my mother was started calling me idiot and many other thing like that and she was full on hitting and kicking me, or maybe because when I was 14 and cutting my self my mother told me to do it horizontaly instead of verticaly or maybe because my mother never accepted me being asexual trans men or maybe because since I was 3 she kept telling me that if I told someone what's going on at home someone will come take me away. Yeah and ofcorse it's all my falut and I don't have depression even tho I literally have documents saying otherwise. I am so close to trying killing myself again it feels like i don't have any other options since I already fucked up my my life and every relationship I had so badly I should have died that day that I tried first time.BTW English isn't my first language so I'm sorry for any spelling mistakes.
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Listen kid , the world ugly and I’m sorry you’re having to learn that the hard way . Unfortunately life doesn’t always get easy I am a 20 year old struggling with my anxiety since 7th grade . However those around you make it a lot easier to deal with . Find ways around your problem . Maybe try home schooling or night school look into online . The issue with your therapist is sucky . It’s not your fault you are broken . You are doing amazing sweetheart and you are appreciated and heard . You are doing your best and if that means you are struggling but barely getting there so mf be it . do what you have to do for the mean time and leave as soon as you can from your family . And start living the life you want to ! - another suicidal personReply
A little bit if an update, I am curently in a proces of being kicked out of school, and I cannot be home schooled and in my country there is 0 night schools, and if they kick me out of my school I won't be able to find another one and my parents will have to pay a fine, it's starting to feel like my only option to not ruin anyone else life I have to end my own one, I can't stop thinking about it I just keep thinking about suicide an how many things it would fix. I know i fucked up but no one wants to give me another chance, like principal in my school started process of kicking me out because I was sick for a week, so because of that I wasn't in school long enough for them to start a court process. I just can't take it anymoreReply
I hope this isn't too late, but if I was in that situation, I would move out and go to a different country and start fresh. You aren't ruining anyone's life, people are just being human, and being human sometimes means being an absolute straight up jerk. Ignore them, and get away as soon as you can.Reply