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Dear husband,
I love you very much and I adore watching you being a dad to our six month old daughter. It hasn’t been easy and I have missed you, when the nights have been long, when you spent months sleeping in another room because your work commute was unsafe to do exhausted, when I was and still am going to sleep with the baby while you stay up. I have missed you through all of it and you have made it clear you have missed me to. Now that we have fallen into a routine of sorts we are slowly coming back together. It is so exciting to start our family and watch our beautiful baby grow and blossom.
When we started this journey I believed we would do it as a team, in partnerships, sharing the load and in the beginning I felt we had that. It didn’t take long for it to change. I can’t and don’t want to carry this load by myself anymore. I know some of it is the mum guilt, when I leave her I feel bad so I come and get her, I struggle to let go of her. The other is a lack of trust. I am with her all day everyday and have her in routine, I know her likes and dislikes, her different cries and can generally settle her quicker. You show no interest in any of this. I know part of it is you need to form your own relationship with her but there have been incidents, you know what they are, which show you do not listen to me when I tell you about her development or watch and see what works and then try that yourself. I sometimes sit back and watch or listen with deep frustration that you don’t try things you’ve seen me do over and over again, you just get confused and/or annoyed as she gets more upset.
Your offers to help have dried up completely, I tell you when you will take her in the morning, you never offer make her bottle in the night, you never even ask if there is anything you could do to help, despite us discussing this early on in her life. It’s as if not only has nature given me more of the parenting responsibilities but you have relinquished your right to them and your right to help. I now have to manage my own support as well which furthers the cycle of ‘I’ll just do it myself’ that underpins this learned helplessness or masculine obliviousness to what being a mother is really like.
Sometimes, I wonder if it would be much harder doing this alone. Sometimes I lie in bed while she naps and I want to go home to my family, at least there I get some emotional and physical support without having to ask. I never thought it would be like this.
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