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I know about the night my boyfriend tried to kill himself.
He never confirmed it, but I know. Because I know his mental health and I know the signs all too well. I knew the look on his face. I know the spot he would have done it at too. But it was 11 pm when he was at my doorstep, sitting there silently because he needed to see me. He needed to see someone who cared for him. Because his parents don't.
He didn't want to talk to me. He just needed someone to embrace him for a bit. Someone to hold him so he knew he wasn't alone. Because despite being together for as long as we have, we still tend to feel lonely sometimes. Especially as young adults now, who were both heavily neglected.
I asked him what was wrong a few times, because I never thought about it at the time. He was only silent, sniffling every once in a while. Probably because it was cold. I think he was crying, but the cold made it worse. After asking a few more times he finally makes me promise him to never ask about what happened on that night, and in return he will always tell me anything else that is wrong. Day or night, he will tell me even if he thinks it'll hurt me. He just refuses to tell me what happened that night.
If I talk to anyone else, I know about this in person, they just tell me he was probably cheating on me and immediately felt guilt. That thought hurts my head, especially considering who I know he would cheat on me with. A girl that has hated me since I started dating him, not one that I'm super familiar with but I've known of her existence for a few years. But she doesn't live close to either of us.
I know my boyfriend thought of killing himself a few miles away from my house. I know the spot he was going to do it because he took me to the spot when we were going for a walk. Not to make it sad, but because it did have a beautiful view and he said if he killed himself there, he'd at least look nice.
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If you promised not to press him about it, then keep your promise. I feel like one day, when you’ve both matured more, he may offer the story to you when you least expect it. Just fully honor your word and respect that space with silence until that time comes. ❤️
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