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Never thought a wounded ego could hurt this much
2 months ago · · ego, · Explicit
I. Fucking. Hate. This.
My ego is wounded and my insecurities are slowing the healing process. At least I think so, I like blaming my insecurities for a lot of things lately.
This girl right, this fucking girl. I want her with every fibre of my being, still. But what sucks is I’ve had her already, multiple times, but every single fucking one of them had something in the goddamn way and now she’s convinced we’re just not sexually compatible beyond the shadow of a doubt. She's told me this.
Anyways, I just feel like the issues I’ve had while having sex with her are issues I’ve never had with any of my other sexual partners, even if it’s just 3 other people. In fear of sounding like a brag, because I really don’t like bragging, I’ve been perfectly able to be dominant and confident in bed (what she’s told me she likes) while performing for generous stretches of time without issue. But then this fucking girl came along and challenged my confidence to the point I rocked myself to the goddamn core, and every one of our sexual encounters has been riddled with performance anxiety, spontaneous loss of erection, jitters, shaky hands, I could go on. All this led to a general inability to actually satisfy her, let alone even enjoy myself. So I can’t really blame her for thinking the way she does.
It’s just…she keeps teasing me. She frequently jokes about us having sex, she’s told me she finds me attractive, sexy even, desirable, multiple times….AFTER the fact. AFTER we stopped having sex, AFTER she’s been in and out of relationships and dates with other guys, which only makes me want to “prove” that I CAN be all of those things for her if that’s what she wants. I mean it’s building my confidence to the point I might actually be able to go through with it without the above mentioned problems. But I’m afraid now. I’m afraid that if I push the envelope and we end up in bed again that she’ll just be doing it for me, and not because SHE wants to, y’know? She isn’t a pushover by any means, but she IS a people pleaser, and I don’t want to inadvertently manipulate her by expressing my frustrations.
I just…Fuck, man, I don’t know what to do with these feelings. They keep recurring. She keeps saying things that give me the idea that she WANTS me to just fucking DO HER instead of asking questions, but I’m afraid of risking it. I’m afraid of doing something that’ll push her away, because I’m so fucking terrified of losing what I have with her right now. So I sit with my frustrations in quiet inaction and get nowhere.
My ego is wounded, it’s endlessly frustrating but also ironically hilarious to me. On the one hand, hey, I actually have an ego. I’ve marinated in my insecurities for so long I was starting to think I didn't have one, so that’s pretty cool. On the other hand, I feel...slighted? I feel “wrongly accused” of being unable to do something I know I’ve done many times before, and it fucks with my head because I can’t rectify it without actually just fucking the shit out of her. Respectfully. But it’s also just so goddamn selfish of me, which makes me feel horrible. I don’t want to be this guy, but my desires are very real. I normally pride myself on my ability to not act on strong desires when I know I really shouldn’t, but god fucking damnit she’s testing my limits. I have thoughts in my head that make me feel horrible and rapey, when all I really want to achieve is to make her happy. It doesn’t align at all.
I get this voice in my head all the time that’s like “have I been friendzoned? Is this what’s happening?” But I know I haven’t. I’ve expressly told her that I’d always rather be her best friend than remain a fuckbuddy, if anything I’ve friendzoned myself. And it’s true what I told her, but it does nothing to curb this burning desire I still have for her. She’s told me about sexual encounters with other dates since then with great joy in her voice and a smile on her face, and her genuine excitement while sharing her life with me honestly killed the envy a little. It’s just definitely still there though. I will forever be envious of the men she sleeps with, but I’d rather actually be close to her instead of just a number on her body count. Apparently though, more than that, I selfishly want both.
And why does this even bother me so much? I’m usually a fucking pro at accepting not getting what I want. But this one thing just burrows under my skin, it burns in my chest, it flutters in my stomach, it screams in my head and I can’t fucking make it stop. I want to rock her world the way she rocked mine but I need her permission to do that, and I find myself too paralyzed by my fears to ask for it.