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As you get older and the more you want to forget about the things you had to go through or whatever experience you had to go through.. not matter how much you want to forget about it... your past will always finds its way back to you. No matter how happy and hard working you'll be there's always something that you see/smell that will remind you of what you've been through. So I guess this's my story. I haven't gotten over it nor healed.. but I hope that writing about it will make me feel closure.
It all started from the age of 5 when she laid her hands on me. My own mother. No matter what mood she was in or no matter who she was mad at she would always find a way to blame me or take her anger out on me. anyways I remember it was a rainy day and we couldn't play outside so we stayed inside and watched TV and my mother had just left to go and pick up step dad and she had told us not to open the door for anyone until they got home and left. so my siblings and I did what she told us and just stayed inside and watched TV. About an hour later they had returned home with KFC for tea and as you can imagine how exciting it is for a kid to have KFC for dinner. Anyways she told us to set the table and wash our hands then come sit at the table to do our prayer then eat and man was I excited I did everything she told us to do and sat at the table. After coming back from washing my hands everyone was sitting at the table eating their food so I sat at the table excited to eat as I was reaching for the chips my mum yelled " Don't touch the food put that down " they all looked at me like I did something wrong so as I was putting the chips down she got up and slapped me across the face and said " I didn't buy this food for you to eat I bought it for us go to your room." I just stood there in shock and I made my way to my room without anything to eat.
I cried myself to sleep that night hungry wishing I had something to eat and also wondering why she got so mad at me for sitting at the table to have something to eat. Why was I the only one that got sent away with no food? did I do something wrong? that was all that went through my head that night.. and that was also the first time she had laid hands on me. The next morning came I got up and saw them having breakfast I sat on the couch just incase she would get get mad at me for sitting at the table with them so I waited until they finished eating and that's when she let me eat.. it made me feel sad but I was happy that I was able to have something to eat. there wasn't much left but it was better than nothing. after I ate I had to clean everything then I went to my room and sat there until she went to her bingo game. she left us at home with my step dad so I waited until she left the drive way then I went out to the lounge and watched TV with them I must've fell asleep then I get woken up by my mum asking me why was I in the lounge when I had a room but the thing is we all fell asleep in the lounge so I didn't understand why she was mad at me.
As she was asking me and I was trying to give her an answer she went to her room and came back out with the metal pipe from the vacuum cleaner I immediately sat up and tried to cover myself with anything that I could find and she started to beat me with it. I was crying and running around the house trying to get away from her but she cornered me and that beating went on for hours on end I was scared for my life I was just praying to god to make it stop! then it finally did. I was too weak to get up so I just stayed on the ground until I was strong enough to get myself up and go wash the blood off. I went to bed crying and just thinking about what just happened and why does it keep happening to me!! asking myself why doesn't she love me. so many thoughts but no answers. I woke up and looked at myself in the mirror and I couldn't see out of my left eye it was swollen I was bruised too sore to move but I did, I just wanted to get some fresh air but that wasn't allowed. at the age 7 nothing changed still getting beaten up over nothing or whatever she was mad at it was always violence everyday nonstop I don't remember a day that went by that I was never beaten or that she as ever good to me But there was a morning before school she had woken me up by pouring boiling hot water from the jug on to me and she told me to get ready for school as much as I was in pain I didn't want to cry or show any emotion I was so scared that she would do something worse and little did I know that was the morning I was going to get a beating far more worse than the others.
As I was in the shower she came in with a bucket of hot water and poured it on me in the shower I let out a scream then she just pulled my hair she just kept pulling it out until she pulled out a big patch of my hair the bath tub was filled with blood I was hopping that she was going to stop because of that she did but she didn't she kept going she told me to get out of the shower and wait in the lounge for her to get me ready for school, but that wasn't the case as I was waiting for her I felt my head throbbing of pain the blood dripping down my face and on to the carpet I was keeping an eye out and trying to get the bloodstain out of the carpet she came back and saw what I was doing and got mad at me like it was my fault she was yelling and beating me she stood on my thigh I was yelling and screaming asking her to stop but she just kept going she was jumping on my thigh and I just couldn't take the pain she was twice my size and weight.
I was fighting trying to push her leg off me but I was just to weak, she had finally stopped and sent me on my way to school the school wasn't that far of a walk from where we stayed but with my head spinning and my leg sore I couldn't make it so I just collapsed on the ground.. but if it wasn't for my neighbour leaving for school late I probably wouldn't of been able to make it to school. he was a yr8 so a senior in our primary he must've over heard because he asked me what happened but I was to scared to say anything, because in our culture if you tell you'll be in trouble or your family will disown you so I just stayed quite. we got to school it was around lunch time because I remember playing then I collapsed the next thing I remember was being in the sickbay with the teachers surrounding me and asking me questions but I couldn't answer since I couldn't speak English back then so they asked one of the samoan students to help out then I just told them everything.
I went to the hospital the police was waiting there as well as my mum they told her that I was getting taken out of her care then they took me away I was screaming for my mum and she was just crying. The next few years I went from foster home to foster home in counting 17 foster homes at a young age. I wasn't a good kid I was always disruptive and causing problem that's why I couldn't last in schools or homes, then one of my primary school teachers offered to take me in and I lived my best life with her. she took really good care of me and loved me like was her own. she made me feel like I was family she showed me something that I've never felt before and that was love. so fast forward 20 yrs later I'm doing better I have a good job and just feeling better.
I still think about it no matter how much I would like to forget it's always there. I made a vow that I will never end up like her because she is nothing but a monster she made made me feel so many things that even I can't explain but one of them is scared. even tho I'm doing much better I still find it hard to love myself I feel angry all the time, I always question why she did the things that she did. there's not a day that goes by where I don't think about why she did that? why was I the only one? does she love me? how can she do this to her own kid? etc. I don't know how to end this off but I still have the scars that she gave me mentally and physically.
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She was probably abused as a child or made to feel bad about herself. She was trying to control the things around her and not dealing with her own hurting correctly. You were her scapegoat. My mother always had a scapegoat to abuse in our home too, although she would jump from child to child on who she was currently abusing. But that child would suffer the same thing, being outcasted and held back from anything else the family was getting. This abuse goes on until the mother dies if she doesn’t ever learn to deal with her emotions. As kids grow to adults, the abuse will simply look a little different. You are lucky you got away as a child. There is nothing you can do about the way your mother was and it definitely wasn’t your fault she was that way. You did nothing wrong. There is nothing wrong with you.
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