The hole left in me

When I was 9, In 3rd grade, I was very mature. I got puberty and maturity early than other kids did. Adults said it was a good thing, but i was only 9. I was getting acne, my period, cramps, mental health became important, i had to count the calories in foods, I was taller from the rest of the kids, teachers would look at my breasts and i was often a target for creeps because I was so developed. All because I had the body and maturity of a 14 year old doesn’t mean it all made sense to me at the ripe age of 9.

Due to my different appearance from the other kids (acne), I was made fun of. It wasnt just calling me a poopy head, they would throw me into mud and kick me while i was trying to get up. Whenever i told the teachers about it, I just got bullied more for being a “drama queen”.

There was this kid named Xavier, he was my main bully. He told me to kill myself and he even gave me ways to do it, he’d also throw bugs at me and hit me. I remember once I was crying because I just wanted to be normal, and he told me that no one cares and that no one likes me. Id pull at my face and my chubby stomach while crying in the bathroom asking

“Why am i not normal??”

One day, he told me to slice my wrist with scissors. When i got home later that day, and my parents were asleep, I grabbed kitchen scissors and made myself bleed on my wrist. 9 years old.

I didnt even know how to fucking divide, while i was searching up ways to kill myself.

I started getting really bad in 5th grade.

I broke a sharpener, and instead of doing it on my wrist i did it on my upper arm with a blade.

10 years old.

My dad got these bigg blades for his shaver, I stole one.

It was when he was taking my sister to the gym when i went in my room and sliced my upper arm open. It wouldnt stop bleeding and i was freaking out. I ran into the bathroom and texted my cousin asking what to do.

At 10, I cried to my father crying because i wouldnt stop bleeding.

i still have panic attacks about this night.

later on, i got diagnosed with depression.

At 10 I tried killing myself.