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Do you ever feel forgotten? Not forgotten as in your parents accidentally left you at the grocery store. Not forgotten as in your friend forgot to call you. Genuinely forgotten. You live day to day surrounded by people. Communicating with people. Having an innocent relationships with people because you work together and need something to talk about to pass time. At the end of the day…you sit. By yourself. No one calls. No one texts. No one makes plans. Your goal is to be there for others, to show kindness, help out when times get tough, and offer a safe haven for those who are struggling. Your safe haven doesn’t exist. The compassion and warmth you lead your life with is met with a cruel coldness in return. Do you give up..? Do you turn bitter because of that fact?
Instead, you sit here. Empty. A shell of a human being while you rest to refuel your facade with slumber even though you still feel exhausted when you awaken…however, ready to pretend again the next day. Your depression leaves you with a blurred mind. Emotionless on the inside but portray utter happiness outside. You feel as if you are floating through this life just waiting to float through the afterlife. You can’t seem to come up with a rational explanation to end it all early. That’s a cowards way out. 50+ more years seems too long for someone only half that age. That’s double the amount of time you’ve already lived. But, you can’t end it early.
Nothing feels the same. Moments. Feelings. Touching. Breathing. All seems more laborious now.
The sensation of your partner’s skin against yours or the comfort of an embrace doesn’t feel the same. You feel empty. The emptiness within you begins to come out and affect those around you. You stay silent. You stay quiet. You’re supposed to be happy. You’re supposed to be their safe haven. Stay quiet.
With the quietness comes the guilt. With quietness comes the panic. With quietness takes a once outspoken voice and turns it into a mime. Acting.
You call it acting. Acting is more innocent than saying suffering. Acting doesn’t concern people. Acting doesn’t raise alarms or have people judge your mental state. Acting is safe. Safe is quiet. Quiet is key. Empty is me.
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