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Hi again. It's December 12th, 2022, and I lost you June 19th, 2019.
If it's you, I don't know, but I feel as if I am drowning. I can't feel happiness, or anger, or sadness, or anything else. I am numb. It's almost as if there is water in my room, rising with every word I say and every thought I think. I can almost feel it. I can almost feel the water, ice-cold, jarring me to my bones, and filling my lungs and my eyes and my ears and nose and mouth and everything else. It's filling me, with cold, with numbing, shocking, painful cold. Like ice. Like you.
I think I should be angry with you. Or should I? Should I, instead, be happy that you've found someone better? Or sad. Should I be sad, that I've missed a chance? What should I feel? And more, HOW do I feel?
Every emotion I feel is fleeting. The comparison is strange, but it's like a gust of hot air as you sit in front of a campfire, ever moving, ever trying to escape you as you try to sit in the heat. Happiness, for example. That present I got- the pretty carved harmonica in its beautiful oak case with the soft blue velvet lining. I was happy. But my mind, my empty, horribly empty mind, forgot the feeling. Frustration, that my mother has listened to me tell her that I don't want dresses because I'm not a girl- I'm nonbinary- is also brief. I forgot how to feel angry, too. And sad. I'm not sad. I think I have to be, though. I'll just pretend.
This sea of shockingly cold water is rising. It's left no space in my room, my life, to breathe. Maybe I should be overwhelmed. Should I? I'm not sure...
The only chance I have is to somehow, somewhere, find a way to make an opening in myself- in my mind, in my heart- to let feeling back in, to overcome the numbness in my body, to chase away the cold so I can feel my fingers and toes again. So I can slowly have emotion again.
I miss you,
Emily
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