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My heart had been opened, hoped to someone enter it sincerely, without any hidden desires
The closing went slowly as myself growing up slowly
When I was a kid, I was bullied, distrusted, and excluded by all things I wish I had and be included, I cried inside and outside and felt like I am crying with a voice that no human could hear
I started on wanting to believe that I could be stronger, then with no life controlled, the external forced me to live on what society think a man should do. Afterwards, it happened while I faced my forced experience and it changed my life completely
A belief that once I fully believed of who I am, vanished instantly after I received an unwanted occasion
In order to live and keep the sanity, I tried to readjust my thoughts and fully believe on my new version.
Yet the adjustment happen unnoticed to the world, with a world surrounded me with more suffers that I wish I did not have to go through it, I readjusted myself on the inside
All time went fast, my life stepped into a new extent, with all burdens carried, I could no longer hold it, I decided to offer my desires into the reality.
Then I had it all, all things I want came to me while I am unintentionally covering my heart and only lust fulfilled
As it happened, I was as well brought to a new confusion on why the world turned against me this much by giving me more tortures, a new life yet a continued bully, a new life yet a new sufferings, a new life yet a new burdens, a new life that only darkened my heart.
I decided to closed my heart and lived while knowing that I was just a puppet of my own life
Then, another time skipped by, I met someone that I thought it was going to be the same like everyone else, which to fulfill lust, turned out to be the someone who is kind and tender, loved me the way I did not think it would be possible for me to receive such gifts, ended due to the obstacles that I have been carrying and due to the changes of perspectives.
I was so happy that I thought I could finally opened my heart again, yet did not meet the expectations, so I closed it again.
A year passed by, I met someone with a matured mind and able to accepted me fully, I told the person of all my obstacles, and that person agreed to wait faithfully, so we locked our heart for each other. There were things that disturbed me coming from the person yet I still hold to the words of what we wished to happen for us in the future and able to neglected it completely
Yet, the promise of that person would wait faithfully did happen only for a short time, my heart that I was finally able to open pierced violently due to the unexpected demands coming from the person.
I decided to end it due to a lot of our differences, and closed my heart again, completely, with multiple layers.
I did think that I was meant to not be loved by someone else, so I decided to ignore my heart and only do life with my mind as my heart could not stand it anymore.
Then, I met this person, who really confused me, I until now do not know what he actually wants, yet I received a kindness from this person. However, due to this heart is already closed, I hardly ever believe whatever that person said to me and always thought that person has another desire.
A short time ended, due to the confusions, we fully talked only several times for a couple months.
Then, I met that person again, we planned to have some fun, and we did until our minds what I believed both could not control it, then I saw it, what I thought it was the real personality of that person, a sweet and a wanting heart to be loved.
I genuinely liked it and thought maybe this person has experienced something that is similar with me.
Yet, that person still confused me afterwards, I decided to talk to him what are my feelings to that person, and we decided to get more closer to each other.
On that time, there was a lot of sweet moments, even though I feel like that person’s jokes to me was sometimes out of the line and disrespectful, I could not live up my anger to that person and it always vanished instantly. Yet, I am still not able to see that person completely, what that person actually wants to me, what is actually that person’s desires, and it is like I’m playing as a pawn in that person’s game.
It ruined my head, I can not think with logics and my heart always wins, I do not know why it always wins, it may because my heart feels lonely, cannot take it anymore to not feel love, and begging it or because I already like that person too much.
Yet, it hurts, really hurts, as I am already all in but still do not know how this would turn out, why that person keeps playing my heart like this and what is actually that person’s feelings to me
My fear keeps growing, my heart is hurting
I do not know if my heart would be able to recover if this would turn out bad.
But one thing for certain, if this was just a game, I would hate him so much, and would let myself close my heart and never to open it again.
I had enough of keep trying, and would just kill my heart instantly instead of giving pain to it, I would not trust anyone ever again to touch my heart and tangle it again.
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