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sep 3. if i'm being honest with you, no i'm not, my dispo is empty, im promised my friends not to cut myself, i’m telling myself i’m not addicted to drugs and that it's only temporary. well it's not. everyone keeps saying "oh just quit", "christian you just started now it'll be easy". it's not easy. i think i find comfort in my own sadness tbh, the song you play when you start crying, the text you receive asking if you’re okay, the razors hiding in the cabinet, the arguing from parents. fun right? you can only go so far before you mentally lose yourself. before everything and everyone turns to nothing. being alone and by yourself in you’re room just.. sitting there for hours wondering if he’ll text you back or if he’ll even respond. there are time when i really think to myself and i ask, “am i really that crazy?” i mean there’s times when i’m just ok and then there’s times when i cry and cry and i walk into the bathroom looking at myself and i say “why do i look like this, why am i different.” but the truth is, i’m not. i’m just like everyone else, aren’t i. if you really think about it, i’m the crazy mentally unstable gay kid. i have depression and possibly bpd, but society doesn’t accept people with bpd because you’re not ‘stable’ enough to work or to just do anything tbh, and now i feel like some freak. i have times where it gets super bad. times where i actually consider ending my life. it’s worse when i start cutting myself and i could just go downstairs and od on pills. but i’m js scared. scared of the pain. scared that it would hurt. but once you try it, you realize that it doesn’t, and it’s your way to escape. basically the whole reason why i started smoking was to escape. to escape this life i was living. “christian you have such a good life and you live in a nice home and you have people who care about you” ok but, that doesn’t mean i can’t be depressed????? but fine i guess. now, people. there’s people i love and there’s people i hate, sometimes those people are my parents. my friends. anyone really. there’s this person specifically, now i’m not gonna say who but, he’s honestly amazing atleast in my eyes. i can’t imagine losing him, but at this point it’s wtv ig. if i could i would scream and cry and honestly rot in my room. i’d make it so bad that they’ll have to put me in a psychward. oh wait! they are doing that. but ig that’s all i had to say.
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Christian, if you are being put into a psych ward itis to benefit you. I hope you get better and become a lot less mixed up. Try to help yourself by sorting out your priorities. All the best and Merry Christmas.
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