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i’ve been struggling with the concept of being a “good person” ever since i can remember. i know that life isn’t that black and white now, that people can’t be split up into categories of good and bad. despite all that, i still feel like a shitty person. even if i don’t outwardly express it, the stuff that goes through my mind is toxic and horrible. i don’t know what’s wrong with me. for years i’ve been trying to improve but it’s like my mind always gets the better of me and i can’t escape it no matter what. why am i so mean and judgmental and worst of all, self pitying? even this post is self pitying. i’m not trying to be. i have such a good life, such a good family and home, why am i not a better person? i don’t really know how to be a better person. i feel like i don’t even have the energy to try anymore. i feel like i’ve tricked everyone around me into thinking i’m kind and sweet and genuine, but i’m not really any of those things. i only care about my own self interest and i’m a hypocrite. i wish i could control what i think and feel.
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"Pure O" describes people who mainly experience the Obsessive part of OCD - often in the form of repetitive, uncontrollable and unpleasant thoughts. https://www.ocduk.org/pure-o-the-facts/
I don't know if it describes what you're experiencing, but would it give you a better framework to think of a problem with obsessive thoughts about your moral worthiness, instead of a problem of being a secretly terrible person?
There is no functional difference between being a Good person and being a person who acts Good. You're just being really harsh on yourself for like, no reason. It sounds exhausting and kind of a drag to be constantly policing yourself like this. Instead of trying to control what you think and feel, what would happen if you just kind of... sat with those thoughts and feelings for a bit, and just kind of acknowledged that they're there? What if it was OK for them to be there? Thoughts can't hurt anyone else.
It doesn't make you an evil person to think about things that are less than kind or not purely altruistic - it just means you're human. We all do it. Crime fiction writers aren't evil people for thinking up grisly murder scenarios, and you're not evil for having a few darker thoughts either. The Thought Police aren't real, and the actual Police aren't interested in anything you've done so far, so you've already cleared the bar for "perfectly acceptable normal person". That's A-OK.
I hope you'll be able to give yourself a break some time.
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