I want to draw.

I want to draw, but i have a huge art block, a deep rooted one. One where i don't enjoy watching anime anymore, one where i self sabotage myself.

From the moment i could remember, I drew. I got pretty good at it and i had always dreamed to maybe one day work in the industry or even have my own show. But, this, mixed with a narcissistic mother, she never liked me drawing and actively made it clear that she disapproved.

This memory is my most painful one. It was at a time in my life where i was so... Naive, still seeking my mom's approval. I was only 18. It was a pivotal moment into my adulthood, I had 2 options at the time. Either go after my dreams and study arts/movies or go for a minimum wage job to get experience.

So of course, when i told her that i wanted to go after my dreams, she reacted with shock and disappointment. My mother then asked me with a joyful smirk; ''While you're at it, do you want me to teach you how to clean toilets? " It took everything in me not to cry on that spot, because of course, she chose to have this conversation in front of her friend. She then went on about how it was a bad idea and then ordered me to never bring this topic up again.

I cried in my room the whole night. How could she crush my dreams like they were nothing? How could she be so cruel? How could i see her as my mother after this? All I ever asked was love and guidance. Now, almost 10 years later, every time i just see anime, it gives me this bitter feeling. Every time i try to draw, i get flashbacks of that memory and it just crushes me.

After that day, i lost a mother and my dreams. I stopped seeing her as my mom and more as a person, and as soon as i had enough money, i moved out and went very low contact with her. But still, I can't seem to get over this hurdle.

I want to draw again.