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hey tyler,
it's been exactly 5 months since we last spoke, and every day i still somehow manage to trick myself into believing that that was not the last time we will ever speak. miraculously, even the most cynical part of me hopes unfailingly and unwaveringly that you will come back and will think to yourself "what the hell did i do?" i keep reading all these random books and articles about break-ups; at this point, you'd think i was researching for my thesis or something. i saw somewhere that it takes half as long as the length of a relationship to get over it. i don't know if i should be pleased or ashamed to have proven that wrong.
as a chronic overthinker, i have taken to surveilling your spotify playlists in my spare time. my brain convinces me that because you put a tastefully titled song called "you're a fucking bitch hope you know that shit" it means you still think about me and i take it as a win anyway. i don't know if i'm crazy, but sometimes i feel like we're communicating through our playlists since it's our only open form of social media left (seeing as i immediately deleted you from instagram after you told me you were seeing someone 9 days after we broke up).
i don't really know how to feel about things. so much has changed in my life since we last talked. it kills me that you haven't even reached out out of pure curiousity. i keep setting these weird deadlines for myself like, "okay, if he doesn't text you by x date at x time, you should block him for good and be done with him forever". unfortunately, i kept giving you more and more chances, but i seem to have arrived at my final straw (fingers crossed), and that actually happens to be my birthday. it's crazy that i've been waiting for it since we broke up. not even because i'm excited to celebrate the year i'll finally be allowed to enter a bar, or buy a pack of marlboros--no, it's because i've been waiting to see if you would finally crack..but it is a bit egotistical of me to think you would still remember what day it is anyway. i still hope though, nonetheless.
today, i actually did end up blocking you everywhere for real (even on my instagram burner account with a fake name so that i could see what new girls you were following--a little creepy! i apologize). that is, i blocked you everywhere except my phone number (just in case you did want to send me that birthday text). but either way, it doesn't matter because, surprise! my family is actually moving out of the country, and i'll have a whole new house, whole new city, whole new room, and whole new number that you probably will never know about.
it's weird to think that i'm going to enter a place in my life that's completely untouched by you. i'll sleep in a different bed--not the one i used to lie in while we talked on the phone till 2 in the morning. i'll have a different metro card--not the one i used to take the train to come see you for our first date. i'll even have a different window--not the one you stood outside one night when i told you my parents would kill us both if you tried ringing my doorbell.
i guess this letter is kind of just turning out to be a jumble of words. i don't even know if it makes sense to anyone but me. it's definitely dramatic to think you met your soulmate at 18 years old in a city with a population of only seven thousand people compared to the world's seven billion (or i guess 8 billion nowadays). but still, i can't help but feel like you are the type of person i could spend a lot of my life with. i've dated before you and i know how it feels when your boyfriend doesn't laugh at your jokes, or when he takes forever to respond to you, or when he takes no interest in your interests. but you never let me feel that way. i guess i'm just afraid that no one will be as compatible with me as you were. i guess i'm also just gutted that you might not feel the same way about me.
i'm not really sure what else to say. i might come back and add more, but for now, i just wish things would get better. i wish that, if you've moved on, i'll move on too soon enough.
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He doesn't feel the same about you. Not he might not, but he doesn't. You need to move forward and stop fixating on him as it does nothing good for you. Look forward to the new path ahead and stop sitting on pause. ❤️
ReplyThis was so beautifully written. I relate to you insane amounts oh my god even the Spotify playlists and the random signs from the universe. Some guy is going to be so lucky to have you one day.
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