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I am feeling ashamed of myself.
I'll never be able to forgive myself. I never thought that I would do something like this in my life for which I would have to live for the rest of my life. I work in a multi national company. Or I mostly work in night shift only. For a few days, I was running very upset because my schedule had become such that I was neither able to eat properly nor get my attention. Due to which I gradually started feeling tense or I started getting angry at every bit of the bat or my nature also became irritable. So then I started watching movies to divert my mind. It started with sci-fi movies, but I didn't realize when horror movies started increasing my interest. Because some horror movies also have intimate scenes, my attention started to wander a bit and I didn't realize it when I started watching porn instead of horror movies. Because I started watching porn movies, I started having similar thoughts and I was very excited.
For this reason, I took some girls working with me who were also my friends. Tried to talk to them. Which I believe was a very evasive and wrong move. At that time, I myself had no idea of ​​how much this thing was on my mind. Because of which a very special friend of mine, to whom I started telling all my feelings, one day asked her to do something which was extremely wrong or embarrassing. And then I realized what I'm doing all this and it's not me. And on the same day I decided to stop myself. I wanted to apologize to my friend, but she was so angry with me that she didn't even give me a chance to apologies. Since then till date I have not spoken to anyone in my team. And I stopped watching porn or watching any kind of material that diverts my mind and I thought it better to keep myself away from everything to control my mind. But still I remember the mistake that I did and I cannot forgive myself for that. I was lost. And did such a stupidity that it cannot even be corrected. Whatever I have done, I am not able to share it with anyone and I am suffocating inside.
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Forgive yourself and put it behind you.
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