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1 year ago · · Stress, · Explicit
I have a trial date on the 23rd of this month. It is the sentencing hearing for my rapist and I have written a victim impact statement and I finally read it out loud today for the first time fully with my therapist.
It has stirred a lot of emotion in me and I feel so much at once. It's hard because I truly am too young, to have to be going through all of this plus some more. I have to sit in the room with the person who fucked up my child innocence at 12 and sit there literally on the day after the five year mark and tell my abuser how much he stole from me. I have so many problems going on already because I have school, I have to worry about my placement in the system and whether or not I am going to be here any longer. I have to worry about my 14 year old brother and his adoptive placement and whether or not he is getting bullied. I have to worry about my weight because I don't eat enough and I am so worried that I am too skinny. I have to worry about my sleep schedule because I can't sleep anymore. I have so many things going on at once and I feel like im overwhelmed. I have to worry about staying sober and keeping to it and really deciding and choosing not to smoke. I have been doing good, but today I gave my deal money to but me more THC and Nicotine.
I am again at the point where I can't trust my placement anymore, it happens everytime. They always read my damn journal and then I feel like my privacy is just invaded and there opinion on it when I tell them how I feel, is that they have every right to read what is in their house. So...
Yeah, it is tough right now for me. I have too many damn things on my plate and I feel like I also take on every one of my friend's problems too. Im always sticking up for my girls who get picked on and as well as having to make sure one of them is constantly okay because she is always sad. I have to stand up for myself because I get bullied constantly as well. It is just so many things going on at once.
I am trying so hard to stay calm and use coping skills but I really just want to scream. As loud as I can. And for hours on end, and then I want to actually allow myself to cry, to feel it. To not deny myself that feeling, so I can maybe move on.
anyways, i hope whoever reads this knows that they are loved and always have support.