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i know i said i'm not sure whether i want you back.
but i'm always here when you need someone to reach out to.
but like i told you last time we talked, i'm just scared.
scared that i'll wake up to an urgent text one day, and i'll learn that something happened to you.
i know that you'll never actually do it, but i'm still scared.
i don't know.
it was just a very anxious day the last time we talked and i didn't expect you to actually respond to me,
i don't even think this will go all the way through and you most likely blocked this account.
but if you didn't, i really missed you.
i'm just relying on your lack of response to say whatever i want, so i'm praying to god you actually did block me since spewing my emotions out like this will likely be better left unsaid.
i worry when you tell me not to worry about you.
i actually cried more times this year than i can remember,
and i'm never not going to be worried, you know?
you obviously need help and until you get that help, i'm going to just keep doing what i'm doing.
the same thing kept running through my head every time we kept talking after the incident, "what if you leave again?"
i was scared that you'll break your promise, i know you swore you won't leave.
but you said that last time.
and now look at us, lol.
i couldn't bring myself to watch the last few minutes of the movie you suggested.
i haven't actually re-watched any of it since then.
there's a lot of things i couldn't watch after you left, actually. a lot of songs i can't listen to.
it's a bit sad that this person came into my life.
and on paper, they were exactly what i wanted.
i thought you had every quality i was looking for.
but then there was this one extra quality i wasn't expecting.
and it led to…
you know what happened and all of this.
you ruined everything, you know? and i don't mean the obvious bad stuff.
in my head, i keep trying to picture love.
intimacy.
companionship.
i try to imagine introducing someone to my family.
all of that stupid, cheesy, married-with-kids-and-a-dog, suburban-picket-fence, romantic shit.
and by instinct, you're just always there.
even when i try to invent somebody else in my head.
i don't want you there after everything that happened, but you won't go away.
why won't you just go away, seriously lol.
i don't know.
obviously i don't picture you there on purpose but i loved you before.
i can't tell if it's the same kind of love, though that i have now.
probably not.
but love is just what i do, it's who i am.
i don't think i can do anything about that.
see, i tend to read people like a book.
i personally find it really insightful and fun, but some people don't like it.
makes them feel like they're being dissected and examined like a bug.
based on what i've learned about you, so far, i could even tell you what i've observed about you.
despite the fact you never participate in art, you can see it in things.
you're a very artistic person.
drawn to deeper meanings of things.
you're not scared of new things at all - quite the opposite, actually.
you seem to thrive off of new experiences and new people.
and you've got a magnetic way of making peoples' heads turn to you during group conversations.
but underneath that charming-ass personality, i don't think you show people what's underneath.
i get the vibe that you don't open up very often.
but when you do start to reflect on who you are, i predict that who you're going to be is an entirely different person to who you are now.
if you choose to change, you're defiantly going to lose a few of the people you associate with.
i also think that you're a dick sometimes. this is based off of all the times i've seen you talk when you're around others.
like i said, i don't think you show anyone who you really are.
if you're losing me by changing, i'm not mad about it, good for you.
when we broke up with each other, i don't think i gave you an actual reason.
you love the idea of me.
not the actual me.
why are you always the priority in this relationship?
why are both of us putting you first?
it's reached the point where i'm self-conscious every time i talk to you.
i shouldn't be constantly questioning whether i'm a needy person.
you might be asking, "why didn't i say this sooner?"
communication ain't shit without comprehension.
you’re the comprehension, lol.
love is not enough to make a relationship work.
whenever i'm or was with you and other people, i can barely squeeze a word in.
it's you who does all the talking, even when you're telling a story that involves me.
i can't interject either because it ends in a fight about how i was being 'rude' in front of them.
i know you won't answer this question, but i don't even care if you're honest with me.
just be honest with yourself.
are you really in love with me, or do you love the idea of a trophy partner?
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