My Trauma?

At the age of 30 I am not able to sleep completely naked. Oh, I've done it out of exhaustion after intercourse, but I can only recall that happening once. When I woke up I immediately looked for my shirt.

How many times 2-3, at this point I cant seem to remember. Yet I am unable to forget. The "first time" I noticed something felt wrong I was 13-14 years old. I woke up from a deep sleep naked on my living room couch in the trailer I lived in. The sliding glass door 4 feet from where I laid exposed. Freaked out I rushed to find my clothes. Something felt off.

At 15 I found myself in a similar situation, but this time my shirt was pulled up. When I awoke I found my half sisters father staring at me from the other couch silently. The living room was dark and I was at my sisters home. Immense anger and disgust spilled from my mouth. I ran into my room and slammed the door. This wasn't the first time something had happened I knew it deep down. Now at 30, I am scared to wake up naked. I am scared to feel what I felt all the times I woke up naked and confused. Why? How did my clothes come off without me waking? I never thought I was a deep sleeper.

Bob overdosed a couple of years after my parents passed maybe.... 5 years ago.... Even as a child I tried to tell my older sister, but was quieted and told to never say something so uncalled for....

In others eyes could this really be called trauma? Was I wronged? Is it really that serious that now I sit here and type it down to share?

I say that I must have been in the wrong place at the wrong time. Near the wrong people.

Bob. Scott. Unknown older male neighbor. Ashley. Andre. The guy behind our temporary home with the trampoline. All of these experiences before I even hit puberty.

I have been doing counseling, but I am unable to talk about my abuse out loud without sobbing and being unable to get it out. So here I am this Thursday night home alone, unemployed, and no friends. This is but one of my stories.

Sarah