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Why am I always like this? I have these problems where I create these situations in my mind then I make them a reality. No matter how much they hurt me. Along with that, I go out of my way to do things that I know won't end well but I do it anyways because I think I deserve the pain and the sadness. I don't understand why I can't just let myself be happy. Why does no one enjoy my company? Why does everyone leave me in the dust to fend for myself but come back in a hurry and expect me to fill their void? Also, why am I jealous of my boyfriend? He has the life I wish I could live and I despise him for it. It's not a conscious feeling, but one that just comes up. The fact that he has friends, can control his emotions at a better rate, can communicate, can see the good in me, etc. Why does he have these skills but I can't reciprocate so I can be just as good towards him? I hate that I am not as good as him. Why is his ex so much prettier than me? I am deathly afraid of him making a girl friend and then leaving me for her as he did to his ex for me. That fear lingers over me and has never let its grasp go. Why does my ex still haunt me? I have deleted him from everything and we don't talk but I still miss his presence. I've gotten to the point where I have forgotten his voice, his smell, his touch, everything. It hurts. I don't want to forget him like I have forgotten others. Just another human being leaving me. I can't do much more loss or abandonment. It's been dragging me down to rock bottom leaving me with no one to talk to. I feel so alone. More alone than I have been in a long time. Why can't I just be normal? Why can't I be happy with what I have? What did I do to deserve all of this pain? I hate it all. I want to disappear.
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You have to deal with your envy and stop sabotaging yourself. Your better at some things than your bf and he is better at some things too. Don't compare yourself you're different people with different experiences and blessings.
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