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I wrote one of those letters you will never send - I did it offline and will share it with my therapist, not my wife.
In a therapy session I realise that what I want to do is pretend the last 4 months had never happened, that we can get back together and it will be as if we had never separated. There was a wedding photo that she had taken out of the frame and torn up - I had piseced it back together and was thinking I would either get it re-printed of a negative, or scan the pieces in and pay someone to digitally reassemble them.
I was wanting to fix things, or make it like the 'bad things' had never happened. More than that, I didn't just want to be able to forget the separation, I wanted it all to me the relationship we used to have - young lovers who built a home and a family together.
But that can't happen, I can't unfear that photo. Maybe we can reconcile, but even if we do it will be something different.
This has me grieving the relationships I have lost, both the first part of our marriage and the one that we were at just before we were separated.
It made me angry -- I don't get angry often, I usually repress or suppress it, particularly when it is directed at my wife, but I am angry that she wasn't able to hang in there a few more weeks. I was just starting to get better but she cut it, and me, off before I could put into practice what I had learnt.
And it had me asking if I want to be in a relationship. I have been so desperate to get back together, but if it won't be what one once had, do I want to be in a relationship that is a pale imitation of what I think I am choosing.
SHe admits she has trust issues, and that it hasn't helped the relationship. I have brought in my own mental illnesses that are more significant. But can I trust her not to dump me again? If I am afraid it will happen again I will go straight back into the high anxiety state I was living in constantly, constantly afraid I would do something to anger her.
We have a counseling session lined up in 2 days time, that we booked in last year. I think I am gong to lay things out, and ask for her to commit to marriage counseling. If she needs more before we start that then I don't think I can give much more, but I will listen to what she has to say.
I do know I need her to be willing to work to resolve this, and if we find we can't, then at least I have that closure that I don't have now.
I don't know if I still love her, or it is just I associate her with the feeling I had when we were in love. I watched part of a video this morning of her giving a talk, and my heart rose when I listened to her, but is that love or just that association. And even if I do love her, are we capable of having the sort of connection and relationship that will make us both happy.
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If she agrees to go to marriage counselling you should go with an open mind and don't expect too much from it. In the end it is up to you and her to fall into the pattern that you are both most comfortable with and this is what you both should look for with advice from the counselor. You don't know if she loves you either but hopefully the two of you will be happy together if that is what you both want.
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