Currently high while writing this..

I’m high asf rn. I’m practically smoking everyday. There’s this guy, he’s cute. But. Idk. He likes me sure. But he doesn’t want me. We had sex today and idk. I don’t regret it or feel like shit. Bc idk I’m to numb to care. I’ve been numb since 16. Now I’m 19. I have an amazing bestfriend who gets mad if I do shit with a guy. And a family that’s up my ass but they care. I can’t even talk shit about my family bc I know they are doing what’s best. But I just wanna grow up. Or wanna stop having hope. Or caring. Or self sabotaging. I hate myself as well but at the same time i love me. I’m so stuck and like down that idk what to do. No I’m not suicidal bc I don’t let that control me . I’m just screwed up. I’m depressed and numb and I hurt and hurt and I drown but i go through everything alone. Always have. I’m there for everyone. I don’t want people there for me either. I’m just so dumb. I’m so dumb. Like what am I doing? Being down isn’t an excuse. No such thing as giving up. Bc ur strong we all are. Damn. Idk if I’ll remember writing this when I wake up. Omg I’ll ss it. Damn I sound like I’m 10. I promise I’m 19. Im just high asf