What comes to mind when I hear the word "resilience"

I hear the word resilience and it reminds me of shame. I know i’ve been called it, i’ve represented the word like a name. in my ears I hear a ringing bell of pride of survival, resilience, strength. But I don’t feel strong and I don’t feel brave I feel like a cockroach surviving but not alive. I have made it through toxicity through abuse through hate and through life but am I happy just because I can make it through? i’m breathing but i’m not laughing so true anymore. i’m smiling but i’m not so sure if it’s me or just the drive of resiliency. I refuse to be weak enough to crumble but am I so strong if I feel like I could with a strong enough wind? I want to say I am proud of myself for my resilience but I only feel shameful because I still think it’s not enough.