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Recently I went through the most confusing experience. Last night, it left me feeling miserable and lonely. The pain in my chest after I realized I had to let go of them was almost unbearable. There were so many moments throughout today where I longed and craved for their attention again. But I didn't give in. Why? Because they don't get to fucking hurt me anymore and waste more of my time. They never deserved me, they said so themselves. I have given them nothing but my unconditional love. But still to this moment when I typed this down. I do still care about them deep down. But what they did to me, Is what keeps me away. No matter how much they have caused me pain, I still care and respect them even if they don't even deserve that. I still love them and that's okay. It might never go away my love for them but I can learn to live with that. We might become strangers again but that won't change the past and what happened. We loved each other more than anything at some point. But now its time to let go of that. I acknowledge what happened between us and I don't regret or wish that I never met them. I have learned so much. The first time this happened I thought I healed when really I just moved on but never accepted what they did to me. But now I can accept that fact that they are not the one for me and that's okay. They were my first love and always will be. I am grateful for what happened. I thank them endlessly for teaching me what it feels like to fall in love, for teaching me to trust someone fully, for teaching me how to love myself too, for teaching me how to communicate, for teaching me what heartbreak feels like.. and so much more. I might not be able to love someone like I did with them but that's a good thing. Change is good. I still do wish it didn't have to end like this. I don't want to learn to love someone else. But no matter how much I want them and only them, the feelings do not go both ways and that's unfair to me. I deserve someone who would not treat me like an option, I deserve someone who would only have eyes for me, Someone would make time for me. Someone who wouldn't need to try so hard just to be a decent fucking human being. For awhile now I have felt so stupid for falling for them over and over again. But I forgive myself for feeling those emotions even if it was towards the wrong person. I was brave for falling in love with them again and giving them a second chance. The whole time I was absolutely terrified of loving them and I still did it. Even though it was a mistake, I am finally learning how to heal and love myself. I am feeling incredibly lonely right now. And that's okay. It's okay to feel alone. I have accepted my feelings of loneliness. Because right now I don't need a romantic interest. I need to work on myself. I am going to better myself before getting out into the world of love. Of course I will still express love to my family and friends but just not towards a romantic partner. I am not ready for a relationship and that's okay, this is only temporary. These horrible emotions will not last forever. I am going to do better. I will accomplish so many things. I am going to live my life. I love myself just the way I am. I love all my emotions and I will never try to get rid of them again. My emotions are what makes me human. I have made so many mistakes. But those are in the past and it does not define who I am as a person. I used to think so toxic. I did bad things. But I have changed and still am changing. All of those is just what brought me here today. I am still worthy of love and compassion. I am worth it. If someone can't see that then they don't deserve me anyways. I will not waste my time on someone who wouldn't even take the risk of loving me. I will not waste my time on someone who wouldn't even meet me halfway. Just because my past relationship didn't work out in the end, that does not mean I am not "loveable" anymore. I am loved. And new people that might come into my life can love me. I am loveable. Just because one person made me feel like I wasn't easy to love does not make that true. It is their lost for losing someone like me. I really would have stayed and never gave up on us. But I will also not standby and get treated like that. I will not accept such bullshit. They will not ruin my peace ever again. They are out of my life. I know that I am still hurting but that's okay. I can heal and grieve for as long as I need to, because I know one day I will be so happy. I deserve to be happy, everyone does at least once. I am not be in my best state right now but the thought of being so happy again keeps me going. My mindset is still changing, and sometimes I feel so hopeless in this world but I know how beautiful it can be. I have seen that there is still good people out there, I just need to find them. I might be surrounded by really negative people but I will not let them get me down. I will find my true love. I might keep finding people who I may think is "the one" for me but doesn't work out and that's okay. There will be downs in life but there is also ups. I am grateful for everyone I have in my life now. I will find my twin flame, my soulmate, my forever lover. But for now I am focusing on myself. I will better myself and when its time I will be ready to love again without the fear of getting hurt.
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