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Its tough, evertime i come home and enter my room its like im instantly sad, i dont find joy in gaming or watching movies or anything. It all seems pointless, with all the shit going on it the world.
Why am i not happy, there are alot of people on earth that would kill to have the life-standard that i have. I feel like i am wasting it.
What makes me most happy is being with my friends, seems like they enjoy life most of the time and thats great. I dont want to bring them down by talking about the shit is think about when in my room or at home. Sometimes i sit with my family at the dinner table and the thought of suicide comes to my mind, i sort of think about what would happen to my Family if i did it. Theyd be pretty sad and theyre lifes would be worse without me - i think.
Thats why i dont do it, theyve put so much energy and money and time into my upbringing that it would be a waste to kill myself.
I dont think i will do it, it would be with a gun and i dont have one and i wont get one because that takes to much effort. Also the thought of them finding me. It would be one of my brothers.
If i had a gun, id maybe already be dead because everyone dies one or the other way. Mine would just be sooner.
The thought of my parents is insane, it fucks with my head way to much. Theyre not bad parents, but being around them is kinda fucked up. I dont know why they dont divorce they are locked in this marriage and life that they have build together but nowadays they hate each other. The way they talk mostly my dad is the one talking shit - hes what you think of when you imagine an asshole: he thinks the world is against him - takes everything personally - easily gets mad about anything - fucking Generation - i have very little emotional connection to him his hobbies dont interest me and mine dont him. Everytime i talk to him i am trying to not make him mad and end to conversation quick. And thats my father - everytime im in the same room with him i dont want to be. Even worse how he talks to my mom he treats her like shit, acting like she owes him something screaming CONSTANTLY and shutting everything down that she says/wants. My mother says and does shit just out of spite cause she hates him too. Trying to make fun knowing hes about to scream - i mean hes always 2 sentences away from it. What breaks my heart is that i know what shes doing and i already knoe when hes going to scream before he does - i try to prevent it but that means not laughing at her jokes or things she says, could be fucking everything - just to protect her because i know she will be screamed at. But that why i am not siding with her - which is FUCKED UP. thinking about his death and the sort of freedom that will come with it makes me kind of happy - but hes my father. And i think he loves me which doesnt make it easy - makes it fucking hard
I am turning 20 this year, i dont want to become like him i dont want anybody to see him thats why i dont date cuz i know i cant bring someone home to him.
Also looking at this marriage every fucking day, the arguing about anything and screaming and living life apart is heart-breaking, fucks with my had an makes me fear that i will become like him and be trapped in a toxic as fuck relationship.
Another reason i dont date
I try so hard to not become like him, hes always mad - i try to always be happy - i dont think any human on earth knows what im feeling - i dont want to bring them down cuz i hate my life when im with my family/alone i dont want to burden them - opposite i want to make their life better because if i dont enjoy mine i want them to enjoy theirs even more
The few times i have see my parents kiss - like when one of them is going away for some time - it almost makes me sick seeing them and how they kiss - its so weird because they dont love eachother.
6/7 days a week i come home and think about what i would say to someone that i trust and think about my depressing feelings
I used to think that that is just life and its true that sometimes you are just sad. But the way it hits me and increasingly i dont care about being positive and pretending to be happy - to my family at least.
Nothing matters, all the thoughtd Feelings pain is just in my head just signals in nerves or something.
And nothin matters, im just so small in humanity that i wont be remembered for more than 60 years after .my death and humanity is just a tiny bit of they galaxy and that is just a tiny bit of something else
When my life ends anyway and i cant safe anything - no thoughts,achievements items - nothing
Why would it matter - it doesnt
Ive come so cold to my fathers constant yelling that i dont care about it - i got used to it and i noticed that its all just talk its so often that its not serious anymore but when he screams at family or anyone really, it bothers me.
My parents dont talk about their feelings and the emotional openess is very closed. Its like they are busy and fucked up by their own lifes that they dont really have the time or energy to find out more about my life - we all have our own lifes and
dont really talk about it - we life side by side but not together we just stay in the same house.
I always thought i was fake because the person that is depressed at home and the person who makes constant jokes in school or when im out
Is very different and that always put a wall between me and any other human like they dont really know me, just this one side that i show which is positive - maybe that makes the negative much more depressing
But as i have become more depressed i actually got more confident because the feeling that nothing mattered became so strong, and thats why im writing this now, collecting emotions to maybe show them to someone
-because it doesnt matter right
When i come home from school i dont want to do anything the only thing that kinds fills me is laying in bed an listening to music. Whising well by juce world is pretty acurate to what i am feeling
It started with sadness about the world my family but now its kinda emptiness which probably is worse
Maybe thats why people hurt themselves just to feel something - i think i get it ,actually makes sense
With the emptiness i actually recognized that i have depression because that is not normal.
I think my brothers think the same, they must be depressed too
I dont know tho and dont want to bring them down - theyare probably thinking the same
Bruh
Writing this down actually helps
I have had these thoughts and how i would tell them someone in my head for hundreds of times
Never wrote it down - something changed and im scared of what might happen in the future when it gets worse
I think i am living for a future im not sure i will get/want/happen
I have no drive or passion in life and thats fucked up
I dont care about how much money i have because that shit really cant buy happines - maybe it could buy a house to get away from my family - poor life that they live.
Crazy how i never told anyone about all this but the thought of not telling anyone got stronger and stronger
I guess thats it for now, no one wil probably read this. But its alright - enjoy life guys cut its the only one youre gonna get and it might last alot shorter than you think.
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If you think it will help advise your parents to go to marriage counselling to get help to find a better way to communicate with each other.
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