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An Ode To The Apologies And Explanations I'll Never Voice
1 year ago · 0 · Needed to get this off m..., +8
422
Thank You.
I bet this all seems random,
Like realizing you missed your stop.
But believe me, this was always there,
It’s just sometimes hard to front.
God this all sounds cheesy, bet you think I’m all teary.
It’s more a sudden pull from a part I keep forgetting.
Having you is just second nature, often easier than breathing.
But the fear that I may lose you snaps me back into my being.
Have to see you someday soon, one hug will never be enough.
I could apologize a million times and still feel like the villain.
Try to watch you fly as I now cry for the wax wings you were given.
You opened my pandora’s box, I never felt so envious.
But I’ll never be anyone’s rival, that role is taken by my conscious.
I know you claim to forgive, but it’s more likely you forgot.
As I still cannot forgive myself for the damage I have caused.
And I wish you were here, that you would pull me close and tell me it’s alright.
Cause maybe then my anxieties would quell at least for that one night.
I still remember the words we said, the bitter contradictions.
I still remember when I made you cry and you lost your hope that evening.
Your best friend gave me quite the spiel, but please don’t say he’s in the wrong.
He’s long since then apologized, and grown where I have not.
His words still stick with me today, and so do yours, I have to say.
I never thought I’d bear so much guilt, but there’s always a first time for everything.
I wonder if you would have all made it if I didn’t ever join.
If I could have replaced my happy memories for you all never having to feel torment.
I’m not sure if I’d do it. God, how selfish can I be?
Yet I wonder if I would still be here without the fond way you all treat me.
Even right now is self indulgent as I write for you to see.
Though I know I’ll never show you cause I don’t deserve your pity.
And what if all my feelings are fraud? Then I guess I’m nothing at all.
I’ve always been so strong to feel, to apathy I’d disappear.
Maybe it would have been better that way.
I’m sorry.
It’s stupid.
The silent scream of pity parties.
I’ll never want to burden you.
God I wish I could just be you.
I don’t deserve that though.
I guess this is what I’m owed.
My rambles go on forever, wish that Hermes was my sender.
More than that I hope these words are gone forever.
I’d hate myself forever with the pain I’ve laid on your shoulders,
I know you already have too much on your own.
Yet I’m trying to take some from you, cause it’s the very least I can do,
After every tear you shed because of me.
Or maybe I should vanish tonight, leave you both, wish you luck, and goodbye.
Cause I’m just a bad omen, I mean, literally.
I don’t know where I’m going with this.
Thank you.
I’m so sorry.
I don’t deserve you.
I should leave.
Why’s it so hard,
Can’t I be happy?
.
.
.
This isn’t your issue. If you’re here, by all means, leave.
I’ve cut myself open, it’s not your fault if I bleed.
I wish this was a novel, then I’d have that happy ending.
I’d be sure you wouldn’t leave, and I won’t feel guilt for it- please.
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