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after years of isolating myself to anyone, this year i found myself a group of friends. but i couldn't really socialize properly with them. i've been hanging out with them for months but it still feels like i'm still not close to anyone yet like anyone else in the circle do. i could not match their energy. maybe i became so used to being alone that i just find myself not engaging in their conversations, spacing out, or doing other things while they chat beside me.
today was particularly exhausting. when i came home from school, i just rushed to my bed and cried. i wasn't expecting myself to cry too because i thought i was already used to this feeling. i stayed like that for a few hours. why was it so hard to get along with anybody? how do you do it? why am i not as fun like anyone else?
i found myself in the same situation i was years ago, the exact reason why i also distanced myself to anyone. i don't want to force myself to anyone just so i could not be a loner. just to make it seem like i belong. i thought maybe i could do things differently now. but i was still the same.
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