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Hi, I am 23 and this is me accepting defeat because life has not been easy for me but I looked to others and felt like it was nothing what I am going through life is far worse and what I am going through is probably nothing to the public's eye. But I am a coward, I am a worthless piece of scum who knows he cannot end himself because that too will end up getting him blamed again. I am a coward to live and I am a coward to die. I also wear a mask when living the life, I show myself differently to everyone, I have never continuously used a single tone that could be identified by me. I have no personality, I will change as soon as the situation changes, I am not to be trusted with anything and most importantly I am not be relied on too. I have ghosted people who trusted me with their everything, I caused sadness to their perfectly going life and then just left when they trusted me and maybe even loved me. With my parents I operate on basis of strategic methods and see opportunities that only have some benefits, I have never empathized or show sympathy to anyone, I think time to time that I will support the needed and tend the poor but have never been able to. I made fake promises to people I never fulfilled, I have also lied to myself many times. To give an explanation for that I have fed my mind with unnecessary garbage, and realised how I have been perceiving the normal world from my own disgusting point of view. I have no respect, I have no loyalty, I have no dignity or self esteem. I do a job and learn new stuff also but still I have wasted my life because I was never able to build a personality. I have never touched a girl in a wrong way before or even in any way my previous relationships were also distance. But my mind is filled with filth, I cannot go by looking at a girl without having bad thoughts, I show respect to them on the outside but on the inside I am already doing everything bad to them imaginable. I have never actually felt anything, I have become a rock that has no feelings. I have hollowed my mind and thinking power with addictions like excessive masturbation and bad habbits of fantasising impossible things. I have deteriorated my health overtime and most importantly I am now seeing effects on my mental health. My family has a history of mental health issues with my father being a type 2 or 3 Schizophrenic and grandfather and uncle with dementia and epilepsy. I cry a lot when I am alone, I keep searching for solutions online, I have never actually talked to anyone about this or even mention this for them I am just a weird person who is genuinely bad. And maybe I am bad because nothing good has come out of me, I don't have friends that check up on me without any cause or benefits, I don't have a love life anymore, I threw the ones I had before. No girl is interested in me, and I also sometimes say to them when starting our talk that many have left me and you will too and they say no I am different but in the end they eventually leave or just start to ghost me. My life has been full of uninterested replies and I have always tried to make everyone happy. The day I stop working is the day I see change in behaviour of my family also which is obvious and for that exact reason I am still working. I keep building this useless life just to happy others, I haven't been happy since childhood. This constant urge to prove to everyone something that you're not, I have passed 23 years of my life but that life hasn't gone anywhere. I am afraid of dying, I am afraid of being alone, I am afraid of being unloved. Sadly I am going through all three of those, I wanted to end my life as soon as I had the hint that this might never change but I am too afraid to do that because it'll ruin the life of people that have actually loved me even if not unconditionally but they did love me. As for the actual love goes, I might never find it. Old age is waiting for me, cause it does not offer anything that it can't give. My soul is now dead, and I will wait for the body to also do so. And when that happen too I will finally be forgotten never to have even existed. That is when I will be completely dead, I wanted to do much more with this life but the fake promises and desires have ruined and I will never be able to put myself in front of anything.
I don't deserve anyone anymore, crying is all I have, sad songs are my friend. I will keep working, growing old, providing to the family and to finally die. I know someone is reading this even if not I don't care much because I had to get this off of my weak heart. I am sorry, and I apologise because I am afraid I might have dissapointed you also, please forgive me or just ignore me and pass on. This is my life
Depressed
Lonely
Never to be loved
and to die in a lonely place with no one around
Forgotten
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Hirap na hirap na utak ko..
hindi ko alam kung hangang kelan ko pa to kakayanin, etong kalungkutan pagiisa kawalang pagasa.. ayoko na maging pabigat sa iba parang nauubos na oras ko un tip...
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I wanna talk with you, so tell me something meaningful.
I'm feeling really stuffed in my head. I hate this feeling and I literally have no one to be with me and talk to me....
I am not sure if you are being hard on yourself, or this is how you really are. If this is how you really are you only see the negative side of yourself. If you have no empathy and particularly if you have no emotions you are a sociopath but see a psychiatrist to make sure. Change this attitude you have about yourself to one of being positive and encourage yourself to do better and become better otherwise you could become bitter.
ReplyGotta love that advice to being sad is to stop being sad and start being positive and encouraging myself to do better. Like I never tried this before. But a welcome advice anyways, just doesn't work that's all.
ReplyHave you ever asked your self why you think this way? Why do you feel like you are manipulative and hiding behind a mask. You may say it’s cause you are? Then why keep doing it. Your to concerned with what everyone has told you success and love are. Why do they get to decide what everything means. What does success mean to you what does love mean to you? You are the only one who can change you. You can see the negative in all that’s around you cause it is there but you have forgot to look for the good that are in these places as well. You can choose who you want to be. Even if it’s fake at first even if it isn’t you. It will be you because you are what make you you. It’s hard to understand. But we are ever changing beings. If you stayed the same as you did when you were a kid you would still be in diapers. You are allowed to change. You define who you are. So choose who you want to be and start becoming it. And if you ever decide that’s not who you want to be anymore change again. You’re allowed to be who you want to be. You just gotta keep asking your self what you want and how you want to define all of these concepts that were previously constructed for you.
ReplyI read enough, I felt that tough. I used to say I was not enough. But you are ready now, to feel the cloud, the cloud that I felt while down. It said to me, I can not be enough with what was what that became that stuff. That stuff that you burried through to ensure that they weren't bad through and through. You gave it all, you got nothing back, and now BANG you know you didnt know that! That fact, nothing back...surely you must have deserved that? No, and i am sorry, we shouldn't be sorry I know that I shouldn't be sorry, but it riped a way the way to their sorry. We were not NOT enough, our enough wasn't met because you were born as the highest yet. You are amazing, born emotionally from naught, You have to realise that our path is that sort. Live for the worst, be strong as can be, every problem comes to one and we will give best advice and still see it fall. No one is tall as you.
ReplyEvery human has thus exact rut, we just all deal differently. If you sta d for nothing, you'll fall for anything. I think it means exactly this. If you have a please the people mask , you are already operating under good intentions and you don't even know it. Not wanting to make relationships difficult or cause trauma or drama on purpose, means you stand for the opposite, so.
It isn't just you, it's just a phase. The want to be with people and to be yourself without a mask within the interaction with them. And not wanting to be alone, it make us answer the door and the phone when people are calling . Everyone ans thing has purpose. So do good things for people on purpose. It will return good things and breed positivity in you day. And even in your head. I promise. Good luck, chin up. Positively thinking is a habit. You have to practice to master it.
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