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i know when they look at me they think 'strange bad weird gross' and i know my family is ashamed. i like to pretend that they are scared or in awe or amazed that it is not a regular human who walks among them but a mighty predator who weilds dangerous magic. i like to think that but deep down i know they are ASHAMED of me. ASHAMED that i think i am not a girl or a human. ASHAMED that i beleive in magic or science or anything other than god. they think that i am pathetic.
always they pretend and lie and smile to hide the shame they feel and when anyone looks at me is SEE that they judge me. for my looks. the way i talk. and walk. and love. and feel. down to the very way i BREATHE! i SEE in their EYES that they judge everything about me from who i date to my family's car to the very GROUND i stand on and i know that they are right and i am nothing but a FAILURE. a mistake. an error. a glitch in the system.
i pour my heart out and they laugh, they laugh at the fact that i feel because they don't and they are perfect and untainted. everything they want me to do is crushing me- be smarter kinder less bossy prettier thinner and eat more weigh less never say anything dont feel just pretend follow the rule BE BETTER dont complain be quiet be straigh not lgbtq do more speak up have better friends try harder
everything.
drowning
suffocating
i
cant
breathe
everyone everywhere points and laughs and screams at me and tells me what a failure i am and i know they are right but
IT HURTS TO KNOW.
it hurts to feel so i want to be numb or die but they tell me 'just hold on' and 'just wait' but FOR WHAT?
don't TELL ME it will get better because IT WONT and it NEVER HAS BEEN okay and that is another thing i know.
i know
no one cares
i am a failure
a disappointment
wrong
stupid
idiot
i know
i don't matter
i am ALONE.
it hurts to know but i cant get rid of the hurt so i'll just get rid of myself.
i know
no one can really love me so no one tries.
all the things i know spiral around in my head like lame-winged birds and crash and explode and come bursting out of me like fire and burn and make wounds that fester and boil and
IT HURTS!
all the things i know stab into me like needles and make me bleed and cry out in front of everyone and then i make an embarresment out of myself.
i have no reason to live so why am i still here? fleeting moments of happienes that are replaced by bleak, suffocating moments of blackness are all i have to cling to if i even have anything.
all the things i know rule my life and take the wheel driving me straight off cliffs and crashing me into trees and
i know
i will never
ever
EVER
be free.
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