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I finally understood why self-harming works so well. Depression happens when you carry a heavy feeling in your heart for a long period of time. That heavy feeling stays in your heart and you want it to go away as soon as possible. This heavy feeling worsens overtime. The heavy feeling hurts so much it makes you want to cry at anytime of the day, and when it comes over you, it hurts so so SO bad. Since it does get worse overtime the heavy feeling only gets heavier. The heavier it gets, the more it hurts. The heavy feeling can hurt so much that you would rather off yourself than dealing with it.
For some reason, when you cut or take your pain out on yourself in a way; the heavy feeling is forced out. I don't understand why it is forced out but it just is. When the heavy feeling comes again and is worse than ever, scratching your arm with your nails isn't so bad. It hurts just enough to make it sting. With every scratch I repeat a word. This word can vary from "get out, get out" or "why, why, why" or "fuck this, fuck this" or "it hurts, it hurts." After scratching my arm with my nails for just 30 to 40 seconds, the pain diminishes; it dies down. It doesn't hurt as much anymore. It goes away.
I don't understand why hurting myself makes the pain go away, but it works. I can feel happy and normal again. Not full of this ridiculous sorrow that comes out of nowhere from time to time. I wish i could find another way to make the heaviness die out and just repeat it over and over again to make sure the pain doesn't take over. But so far harming myself has been the best way, its like taking your anger out on yourself but instead of your anger its the heavy feeling. I just want the heavy feeling to go away, but I don't know a better way to cope. For some reason harming works so well, can someone tell me an easier way to make the heaviness to be choked out.
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This explains it for me too. Yes self destruction makes the heavy feeling go away for a while. I did find an alternative to cutting that works for me, but its just a different form of self harm (maybe not as bad.. maybe worse idk). I wish i could tell you here but someone would flag my comment and delete it
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