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i know, the title sounds bad.
i can't say it's for a good reason either. more like trauma, i suppose?
how does one cope with something like that? it's a question i ask myself often.
how does one cope with the fact that their grandmother is laying in the icu after a heart attack at her brother's funeral? how does one cope with the fact, that next door, in room 203, a month prior, you watched your great uncle pass away after spending weeks hooked to machines that were just barely keeping him alive?
i have found that i simply can't. i can't cope with this loss in a human way because it seems impossible. losing two uncles in a month and then nearly having lost my grandmother as well? i suppose i would rather die myself than having to find a way to deal with it all.
but that moment, as my grandfather and i came up from the er, i saw the familiar room and i could feel the terror and horror sinking its teeth into me. that feeling of watching my loved one in pain but being able to do nothing but spectate was tearing at me from the inside. i don't think i took a steady breath until the nurses had my grandmother situated in the room, hooked up to the appropriate machines.
i felt like i was back there again with him. watching him as he struggled to get his words out and form cohesive thoughts. i remember telling my mom. i remember telling her that his room was right next door. i didn't want to be there any more than i had to be, so i reluctantly admit that i was glad to leave to pick up my dad who had just flown in.
i didn't have much of an appetite at dinner. i couldn't stomach the thought of my grandmother being right next door to where he died, let alone the Chinese we were eating. i wonder if she had succumbed to the aftermath of the heart attack if i could ever dare go into the icu again, even if it was my own parents. probably. you know what they say, the third time is the charm.
i hate the icu.
i hate the icu because i can only associate it with loss and fear.
and i am terrified for the day that i will have to return.
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