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Do you ever feel like a plastic bag, drifting through the find wanting to start again? - maybe not the start again part but just be known for something different. At the minute I feel like I’m know as so-and-so’s daughter, so-and-so’s girlfriend, so-and-so’s friend or so-and-so’s sister. Very little time am I known for myself.
I feel lost sometimes, I blend into the crowd very easily that I’m sometimes forgotten. Which makes me sad, but I don’t really know how to blend it, I’ve… forgotten. I don’t even remember the confident, skinnier version of myself. Because despite my extreme forgetfulness, I know that version of myself was going through much worse than I am now.
I was extremely depressed, hiding my sadness through drinking, bad habits with food and pretending.. Somewhere along the way with the help of my current partner and family I stopped pretending. And it did get better, but not fully, for a little while yes, but then a little down too. I don’t know. I don’t know how I feel, my brain is on a constant ticking cycle I can’t stop thinking and I want it to stop so bad.
Truth is I can’t fix myself because I care so little about myself, I’m thinking of everyone else so much that I don’t know when to think of myself. Taking care of myself is SO hard. And know one seems to understand, I sleep ALOT. I’m very drained a lot. I sleep a lot. Sleep is the only time my brain switches off.
I know I’m meant for more… I’m meant to do more. WHERE DO PEOPLE GET THIS ENERGY FROM? I’m angry, not not angry. I’m frustrated. I want this energy, I feel like life is passing me by and I’m not happy. I’m hiding myself because I HATE how I look. But again, I don’t care enough about myself to look after myself, yet I CRY when I look in the mirror. There’s that little bit of me that cares, but I can’t push past the 90% of me that wants to put everyone else above themselves.
Don’t get me wrong, I want to live, I really do, there’s SO many things I want to experience in life, so many things to look forward to. But there’s also things I’m scared of, I’m anxious off. What could happen, I worry about anything happening to my family, my boyfriend, my friends, but not myself? And I want to, but I don’t think I’ve ever learnt how to?
I don’t want to mess up how good everything else is going now by saying “look guys I’m really not feeling good in myself again, for the 100th time” I have a good paying job, yes it’s stressful (which also adds to this), me and my partner are really at the best stage, I just… I’m struggling. And you know what hits the nail on the head for all of this. I’ve struggled with drinking to suppress my pain and to forget. It’s taken a bottle of wine after a stressful day at work for me to type this up. Imagine what I could do with more. I’ve said more of how I’m deeply feeling now than I have in any 7 of my counselling sessions. Because writing comes easy to me.
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Dear Stressed,
You deserve to be SEEN. From what you've said you have a partner you trust and family that you can be yourself around. If they don't know you're struggling, they can't keep you accountable to take steps to help yourself, or even reach a hand out to boost you up! It doesn't say anything less about you to admit that you need a hand, or that you want to make some changes.
What if every time you wanted to take a drink, you expressed yourself in writing instead? Let out all of the emotions and worries of the moment.
You are loved and deserving of being seen- what are the things that you've accomplished that make you proud? What makes you feel most YOU? What do you wish others took notice of? What if you poured yourself into those things just for you and no one else?
Maybe start there and you're well on your way to a better hold on your life. Grab hold of that plastic bag and use it as your sail! (hahaha I may be corny, but I care about you! And appreciate a good Katy Perry reference!)
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