What are you looking for?
Featured Topics
Select a topic to start reading.
If you are in crisis and need immediate help, please call 1-800-273-8255 (NSPL) or text HOME to 741741 (Crisis Text Line). More resources.
Sometimes I feel furious, hurt, tired, bitter, or lost. Sometimes I wonder what I did to feel so much, then I remember how much I did to feel. I feel inadequate, as if there's something wrong with me, or as if there's a giant warning sign above my head urging others to run or go away. I witness how my old classmates went to college, hanging out with their friends, going to parties, and having a social life, while I cry in my pillow every time I feel or produce any emotion to let go. I thought maybe college will be where I'm able to socialize and be the person I know I can be. Where I can gain confidence in myself, let go, and have fun. It turns out that college was my downfall in terms of feeling isolated. I feel like I have no one, yet I do have my family and old friends. They should feel and be enough, but they aren't with me. They are separated by hundreds of miles, while I am battling physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially. Friendships that I do have may as well be physically and socially distant. For example, if I don't reach out first, I won't get a text, and if I don't put in any effort, I won't get any back. But, on the other hand, their lives may have been hectic, or they may have been going through something, and it would be selfish of me to assume anything. Regardless of whether my mind keeps circling the idea that they aren't there for me as much as I want or need them to be. Maybe I'm paranoid or think everything circles around me, but that's willful delusion, right? -- "That should be you, out partying, drinking, and having a good time at college." Those words were spoken to me, but do they realize I am thinking the same thing? Those are the phrases that play over and over in my head whenever I find myself staring at a laughing friend group, a snapchat post of a party I had no idea about, or a classmate describing their last night escapades. Each day, I return to my dorm with a heavy heart and mind, knowing I attempted to be social. I almost decided to call it quits one day. Ending my life shouldn't be considered selfish, right? On my walk back to my room, I considered taking every pain reliever available to formally end my life. But as I approached my room, I realized that I didn't want to give up. I didn't want to die and become nothing. But as time passed, I realized that I'm just a coward since I didn't have it in me to end it.
I'm usually disappointed because I can't have the things, I want for myself, such as love or a social life. Being insecure about myself and not being an option in the sight of others hurts. Knowing how much others think of me can have an impact on me, make me feel stuck. Every time I think things are getting better for me and turning around, I'm always let down. I had a day in class where I was able to interact with folks, I believed would become friends or a group of friends, and I truly enjoyed myself. And so, although I looked forward to those days in class, when the time arrives, everything returns to the way it was. There could have been a passing smile here and there, but they all seemed to be doing their own thing. On some days, it seems as though I don't exist and am just a background presence in everyone's lives. There are times when I feel like I am having a minor anxiety attack because I am so overpowered by my feelings and thoughts. One day when I was in class, my professor was teaching. He consistently asks questions about previous courses or the material he recently covered. Sometimes I lose track of what I'm learning, my attention wanders unintentionally, or I'm slower than others to retain what has been taught. The majority of the same people always respond when he asks a question. Sometimes I feel like I should be responding, but I get anxious, sometimes I honestly don't understand, or occasionally my mind just wanders. When the professor noticed that the same people were responding to the question, he signed up for an app where users could respond anonymously without feeling under pressure. He made the decision to use the name-spinning wheel on this specific day. Afterward, he calls on the individual whose name was chosen to respond after placing everyone's names on the wheel. My heart rate increased as my anxiety started to take hold. Why am I unable to concentrate without having my thoughts wander, and why do I learn at a slower rate than others? And because of how I felt like my professor was disappointed, it worsened my worry and made me feel ashamed. My mind was spinning with so many thoughts, and I simultaneously felt under pressure and foolish. After class, I walked to my dorm and cried because I was a mess. Two days later, the same incident occurred in the same class, but this time, when I got to my dorm and let go, it took longer to regroup. To get myself out of that dark mindset was challenging.
I often just want to get out of my head. I think way too much, and it really bothers me. The only ways I can get away from my thoughts are to watch movies, read books, listen to music, sleep, or eat. There are times when I don't feel like reading a book or watching a movie. And while I'm not consciously attempting to feel anything, listening to music simply intensifies my feelings. Sleep is merely a passing state, and occasionally I wake up feeling worse. Food is bad to binge on because of my poor physical condition. It feels like I'm forced to think, which is exhausting. I'm exhausted, and life is exhausting. Overthinking can be detrimental to both me and other people. I try not to broach a subject for too long because it may be so detrimental to my friendships and mental health. I make an effort to suppress my emotions when something disturbs me since I could be in the wrong. Even when I know I'm right or that my feelings are justified, I try not to overthink things for fear of being proven wrong. I feel trapped because even if I might be correct, I just don't want to take the chance, and it drives me crazy.
.
If you see a comment that is unsupportive or unfriendly, please report it using the flag button.
More Posts
-
How do i get through this 🥲 (pls help)
This is probably the most embarrassing things I've ever done. Long story short, we had an assignment where we have to do some statistical analysis and stuff. Th...
-
Calm
I am generally a soft-spoken individual that gets misunderstood for someone who doesn't care. I don't have a strong reaction to terrible news because I've had...
If you find college to be such a negative experience drop out and do something else. Decide what is more important: education or a social life. If you choose education stop caring about a social life and be there to be educated.
Reply